Halloween 2005

Well, I don't have anything particularly original to add to the Samuel "I'm Not Harriet Miers" Scalito discussion, so I will address something seldom addressed by conservatives, well-adjusted children celebrating Halloween while their parents sit around blogging over Bell's Two-Hearted Ale.

Eryn and Conner cruising in the treatmobile. Eryn is not a trained bear, she is a monkey, with a yellow tail, like Boots, from Dora, but with more of trained monkey motif - courtesy of my mother. Conner was going to be a pig, using Eryn's costume from last year, but had a conniption at daycare, so his mom bought him a lion costume, and he had a conniption at our house instead. He's officially going as Jimmy from HR Puffenstuff going as a lion.


Eryn on the step, complete with monkey feet and this year's pumpkins. Jen made the pumpkin whose mouth runs into his/her nose and look like it was made by someone with a cutting deficiency. I made the one where I forgot to draw the mouth separate from the teeth and had to just cut a gaping square maw instead of something with teeth.


Eryn does not like guts. She hates it when I rip the head off her "Stone Cold" Steve Austin sippy cup and exclaim "look, his guts!" and she hates it when the pumpkins offer up their own guts. She wasn't even willing to go after candy when I dropped it in a gutted pumpkin if it meant she might touch the sides. I cooked the guts - the seeds that is - and used half a dozen spices from Penzey's in mini batches, and then burnt the whole works, but ended up with several dozen bicentennial rub seeds that were really pretty tasty.


One of our neighbors has a real problem.


Eryn trick or treating at our house. A view of the yellow tail.


Those neighbors with a problem really have a problem. This pumpkin ate way too much candy.


Those neighbors put on a real show. Apparently they've been to see "The Fog" and feel it's an appropriate movie to which to subject 2.5 year olds. Pooteewheet told Eryn that if she sees Adrienne Barbeau anywhere to grab her, to stuff her in her pumpkin, say "thank you", and deliver her up to Grandpa Larry. She'd be the favorite grandchild forever - with grandpa at least, maybe not grandma.

A Question Specifically for Kevin

In Terry Pratchett's "The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents", Daktan and the mayor have a philosophical conversation about the qualities of a leader. What does Daktan learn? And do you think it's possible for rats and humans to work together?

Love In Narnia, Lord of the Rings Style

So I was reading The Revealer's two pieces about the third movie in the Left Behind series, and they made reference to Narnia as Christian-themed once again. So I mosied off to Wikipedia to see what their take is on the subject. I got all the way to the end of their article, and was particularly interested to see Philip Pullman state that there wasn't a lot of Christian love in Narnia. At which point the Wiki author comes back with some examples culminating with:

"The Last Battle also explores a loving relationship between King Tirian and his unicorn, similar to the relationship between Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee in The Lord of the Rings."

I really think this is not an example I would use in defending the idea of Christian love. At least he didn't compare it to Pippin and Merry and force me to worry about a movie where I have to see a king and a unicorn bouncing around on a bed.

Non-Muslims Told to Wear Headscarves

My friend Ming sometimes extolls various virtues of Malaysia to me - lower crime, etc. While this is an "Islamic" university requiring headscarves, it is also affiliated with the state, and you can see how they're rationalizing the headscarves as uniforms: "not religious in nature but a matter of uniforms that must be followed". Bullshit. It's making non-Muslims wear headscarves so you don't have to deal with looking at individuals who don't support your religious beliefs. Akin to making all women wear Catholic school girl outfits at the U of MN. Note, their own page about Malaysia states: "All of the world's religions are freely practised here." Apparently you just have to act like you're practicing the state religion.

And I'm fairly certain Malaysia has a much firmer grasp of 1984 than we do if they're giving their officials names like, "minister in charge of national unity".

White House Ethics

"46 percent to 15 percent, Americans say the level of honesty and ethics in the government has declined rather than risen under Bush."
"Barely a third of Americans -- 34 percent -- think Bush is doing a good job ensuring high ethics in government, which is slightly lower than President Bill Clinton's standing on this issue when he left office."

15% think the ethics level has risen? Honestly, that crowd will have to find J.C. hooded and locked up in a room at Guantanamo, personally supervised by Cheney wearning a Team Halliburton shirt, ala The Grand Inquisitor, to believe there's a problem afoot. And that second number seems to imply that some of those who were upset about the blow job as opposed to the lie/content of the lie are getting past the sexual aspect and realizing the lies of the current administration are a bit more damaging to everyone who isn't just the president.

Pumpkin Patch (and the Great Pumpkin's Vagina)

Yesterday we traveled up to Monticello to celebrate my friends' son, Conner's, second birthday. We restrained ourselves from buying him anything huge to take up space in their rapidly dwindling floor plan, and stuck to Spiderman-themed bedstuff, and Conner seemed happy. Afterwards, as we were coming home the long way, we saw a gardening center with a pumpkin pactch and decided to let Eryn go find her own pumpkin. This primarily involved looking at mushy pumpkins in the field (there was already a frost) and listening to Eryn seriously inform us that she did not want to go in the giant pumpkin you could bounce around in. I got her as far as the pumpkin's vagina...two big, puffy, orange, vertical lips blowing hot, moist air, and now and then dispensing a wet child...and she freaked out and declared "Eryn does not like that big pumpkin so much." So much for next week's rebirthing ceremony.

On to some pictures. This is Eryn standing in the field full of rotten pumpkin pie.


A happier picture of Eryn in a field full of rotten pumpkin pie. She might be amused that I touched a pumpkin and declared that I was disgusted I had pumpkin snot all over my hand. I probably made a bit of an image wandering around a pumpkin field in the north(west)ern burbs in my trenchcoat and dress shoes.


Eryn with a fake motorcycle, "Just like Grandpa John's".


Eryn as a scarecrow. The scarecrow stand almost fell over on her as she was leaning against it. Later in the day she went to the Boo Zoo festivities with grandpa and grandma, which featured many cut outs in which to insert your face and she refused all of them, which confused them until we told them the story about the tipping one later over Bell's Two-Hearted Ale.


Me as a scarecrow. Has anyone seen my brain?


Me touching a giant pumpkin inappropriately in the only way socially acceptable while in view of others. I am not giving it the finger, I'm just picking its nose.

Halloween Links

There were a number of fun Halloween links on the web today.

1.) Boing Boing has links up to Halloween tattoos.

2.) Worth 1000 is having a contest to photoshop the best jack o' lantern.

3.) Snopes has a compilation of Halloween-related urban legends (and urban legends that aren't), including, but not limited to:

• A collection of 2005 Halloween-related news stories.
• A suicide by hanging is mistaken for a Halloween decoration.
• Accidental Halloween hangings.
• Pins, needles, and razor blades in Halloween treats.
• Psychic predicts a Halloween murder on a college campus.
• Children are victims of random Halloween candy poisonings.
• Halloween party-goer is confused by spouse's costume switch.

Iraq Coalition Casualty Count Hits 2000

It's worth noting today was casulty number 2,000 (Yahoo) for the U.S. in Iraq, even though every single one leading up to it was just as important as this one. 67 U.S. casualties this month alone (so far).

Both Reached For the Phone

The other day I was riding my bike trainer and watching Chicago. When they got to the number where Billy the lawyer is manipulating the press and being Roxie's puppeteer, the only thing I could think of was this (below). It's not as tight as I was hoping for, but perhaps you'll find it enjoyable, and please feel free to make a better version - it would particularly interesting as a video.

We Both Reached for the Phone:
(original lyrics)

STARRING:
ROVE (as BILLY)
SCOOTER LIBBY (as ROXIE)
JUDITH MILLER (as MARY SUNSHINE)
REPORTERS (as THEMSELVES)

Reporters controlled by strings in many bits, like marionettes, by ROVE.

[REPORTERS]
Why’d you do it?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
I was angry

[REPORTERS]
About the yellowcake?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
Absolutely

[REPORTERS]
Where is it now?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
Never existed.

[ROVE]
Wilson told us from the start

[ROVE (as Libby)]
It was just a made up part

[REPORTERS]
When’d it happen?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
2003

[REPORTERS]
Who was the target?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
Valerie

[REPORTERS]
Then what happened?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
I called Novak
And he quickly wrote away
Outted Wilson, or so they say

[JUDITH MILLER (spoken)]
Oh you poor man I cant believe what you have been through
A rogue ambassador! An unbelieving public!

Now tell us Libby…

[MARY SUNSHINE]
Who’s Dick Cheney?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
The Vice-President

[REPORTERS]
Was he involved too?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
So you’re hearin’.

[REPORTERS]
Was he angry?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
Like a madman
Still I said, "Dick, move along."

[ROVE]
He knew that he was doing wrong.

[REPORTERS]
Then describe it.

[ROVE (as Libby)]
He approached me.

[REPORTERS]
With the phone?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
And a secret.

[REPORTERS]
Did you fight him?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
Like a tiger.

[ROVE]He had power, he had none.

[ROVE (as Libby)]
And yet we both reached for the phone
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both
Oh yes we both
Oh yes, we both reached for
The phone, the phone, the phone, the phone
Oh yes, we both reached for the phone
For the phone.

[REPORTERS]
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The phone, the phone, the phone, the phone,
Oh yes, they both reached for the phone
For the phone.

[ROVE]
Understandable, understandable
Yes it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible, Comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible

[REPORTERS]
How're you feeling?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
Very frightened

[REPORTERS]
Are you sorry?

[LIBBY]
Are you kidding?

[REPORTERS]
What's your statement?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
All I'd say is
Though I broke the IIPA
I’d do it again any other day

[REPORTERS]
And?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
Stay away from...

[REPORTERS]
What?

[GWB (from out of sight, off stage)]
Drugs and liquor...

[REPORTERS]
And?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
And the men who...

[REPORTERS]
What?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
Out for fun...

[REPORTERS]
And what?

[ROVE (as Libby)]
That's the thought that...

[REPORTERS]
Yeah

[ROVE (as Libby)]
Came upon me...

[REPORTERS]
When?

[ROVE]
When we both reached for the phone!

[JUDITH MILLER]
Understandable, understandable

[ROVE AND JUDITH MILLER]
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible, comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!

[REPORTERS]
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for…

[ROVE (spoken)]
Let me hear it!

[REPORTERS]
The phone, the phone, the phone,
The phone
Oh yes, they both reached
For the phone

[ROVE (spoken)]
A little louder!

[REPORTERS]
For the phone.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached
For the phone, the phone

[ROVE (spoken)]
Now you got it!

[REPORTERS]
The phone, the phone
Oh yes. They both reached
For the phone
For the phone.

[ROVE AND REPORTERS]
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The phone, the phone, the phone, the phone
Oh yes, they both reached for the phone
For the phone.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, reached for
The phone, the phone, the phone, the phone
The phone, the phone, the phone, the phone
The phone, the phone, the phone, the phone

[ROVE]
Both reached for the...phone

[REPORTERS]
The phone, the phone, the phone, the phone
The phone, the phone, the phone, the phone
The phone, the phone, the phone, the phone
The phone, the phone,
Both reached for the phone.


In the movie, this is all followed by a number of scrolling and spinning newspapers with large headlines – PLAMEGATE! 85 DAYS IN JAIL! CONSPIRACY TO IMPEDE OR INJURE! – then people celebrating the crime and the criminal, and then a bared forearm with a tattoo (that would say “Libby” in this context, but would be more visually interesting if it said “Valerie”).

Two Things I Learned From Bloggers Today

1.) That there is such a phrase as "bumping donuts" (over at Diablo Cody's).

2.) That sometimes the reactionaries on my side of the political spectrum are as bad as the reactionaries on the other side. I understand where the AmericaBlog anti-Target people are coming from, at least I hope I do, and that it's absolutely grounded in a concern for women's rights (heck, just personal rights) rather than a Target is big it must be bad mentality, but labeling every pharmacy that refuses to fulfill a prescription "another Target" is a bit over the top. The rhetoric sounds more like threat than discussion and pressure for change, and if you're removing The Wege's comments (additional), you've probably gone a little off the deep end. And if you sound exactly like the anti-American Doll folks (me), complete with calls to action without a thorough examination, then the story needs some consideration. In this case, I prefer my news from Wonkette (see Robert K. Brown's blog for more).

Spam (for the Holidays)

Also courtesy of Kyle via the Star Tribune, a touching expose of just how much Spam means to Koreans. My sister better hope I'm not her secret Santa, cause if I am, I'll be expecting her to turn my gift into some Spam kimchi for New Year's. Some excerpts:

Chusok is the Korean equivalent of Thanksgiving and the biggest gift-giving occasion of the year. An estimated 8 million cans of Spam change hands annually there.

"My children are in high school and they love it," she said. "I cook it in ... stew with kimchi."

Jae Moon, a University of Minnesota professor, said one reason for Spam's popularity in his home country is that it goes well with an alcoholic beverage called soju [a rice-based alcoholic drink].

Said Chung Kyunghee, a partner in Kim's Oriental Market on St. Paul's Snelling Avenue: "The young generation, they want the American food. They want the Spam. We sell the Spam."

Chumans, Humanzees and Manpanzees, oh my...

I'm a little jealous of my friend Kyle because he has one of the Discovery Channels I don't get and always has interesting stories about shows he's watched, like he did today, humanzees. Never heard of one? Fortunately, Wikipedia has the scoop.

"The Chuman (also known as the Humanzee or Manpanzee depending on which species is the father and which is the mother) is a hypothetical chimpanzee/human hybrid. Chimpanzees and humans are very closely related (most agree that they share 98.4% of their DNA in common), leading to contested speculation that a hybrid is possible.

Hybrids are named according to the convention first part of sire's name + second part of dam's name (except where the result is unwieldy). Chuman therefore refers to a hybrid of male chimpanzee and female human. Humanzee or manpanzee refers to a hybrid of male human and female chimpanzee."

or

"Chuman" alludes to the more sinister hybrid, fusing the intelligence of a human with the relative upper-body strength of a chimpanzee, bred for megalomanic and military ends. "Humanzee", however, evokes a more placid and militarily impotent animal; combining the weakness of a human with the relative stupidity of a chimpanzee.

Much of the discussion about humanzees concerns a chimp named Oliver who was "Unusual in that he walks in a bipedal gait and enjoys the company of people--or did when he was younger. He was originally brought into the U.S. with 12 other chimpanzees but immediately stood out as different. He learned to drink, enjoy coffee and beer, and smoke cigars. In the evenings he would sit on a sofa and watch television. If his caregivers were out of coffee, he would walk into the kitchen, pour a cup, and take it into the den. As he got older, he made sexual advances on the wife and as a result was sold. Now living in retirement in Texas."

If all this discussion about human/ape crossbreeding bothers you, just go read about Napoleon Dynamite's favorite animal, the Liger ([pic] which is a cross between a lion and a tiger, and not an animal known for its skills in magic), the Wolphin (dolphin + killer whale), or the zorse (zebra + horse).

Acronymonious

This is really a public service announcement for my friend Ming, because I'm sure his friend Bo, who could be called Beaux, but I'm guessing not, because that's really French and he'd have to change his name if it were French or even French sounding, although Bo is French sounding, so too bad, will bring it up at some point as he's the one who originally told Ming that GAP, as in the store, stood for "Gay and Proud".

COSTCO does not stand for:
C - China
O - Off
S - Shore
T - Trading
CO - Company

Local Religion and Local Hate

Update: Minnesota Politics and the Wege both have posts up about the Strib's article on Scientology if you'd like some local opinion.

Hop over to the Strib to read about our own local Scientologist(s) (alt) who, for a mere $350,000 or so "can make red lights turn green" and "can also go out of my mind at will"...oops, correction..."out of my body at will"- my typo. If your kids are at Flagship Academy, they apparently get a real treat if they're ADHD, get pregnant (and want to scream), or have mental health issues..."Like many longstanding denominations, Scientology also has community outreach efforts such as drug counseling and study programs, which Brown uses in running Flagship Academy in St. Louis Park." Honestly - don't trust a school that doesn't provide a website on an easy Google search. Your kids don't need to learn to turn red lights green - they need to learn patience and to obey traffic laws.

Over at MNSpeak - you can read about another group actively interested in Minnesota youth. The post includes a link to Dave Neiwert's site (Orcinus), which has pictures and detailed background of the Toledo riots. If you don't think the neo-Nazi movement is religiously based, you'd be partially right, but any examination of the far right indicates a fluidity across hate groups that often includes a religious component: Identity, Odinism, or other.

"Last weekend, neo-Nazis planned a rally in a mixed-race neighorhood in Toledo, Ohio. Riots ensued, people were hurt, buildings burned. The Nazis blamed gangs for the violence, others blamed the uniformed, brown shirt-wearing marchers, who had no permit, submitted no march route to the police, and taunted African Americans
with racial epithets. The scariest part is: the racist group -- the largest neo-Nazi organization in America, the National Socialist Movement -- is based right here in Minneapolis. And they want your children. Beware the Viking Youth Corps."

Christy's Hole

Yesterday Monica was running around yelling about "Christy's hole" and that we should go see it for lunch. But Christy was out sick, so plans were put on hold. I dropped by last night to take a look, but there were lots of kids playing on the large mounds of dirt, and I didn't want to be the adult who had to tell them not to break their heads, so I left and came back this morning with a camera. Here are a few pictures of her new foundations.

Southwest edge with cement forms:

Southeast foundation:

Northern foundation:

Remainders of a kid whose mother was worried about him breaking his head on the dirt mounds:

I End the Night With Old People Sex

Old people who collect sex objects/art that is. The Wired's sex columnist, Regina Lynn (very Seinfeldian), has her own blog, Sex Drive Daily, and one of her posts links to a story at the Seattle Times about a grandmother who's opened a sex museum - presumably something more tasteful than Sex World's ode to copulation. This reminds me of nothing so much as the scene from Kinsey where the dean (Oliver Platt) keeps examining Kinsey's sex art/ifacts.

For the past 13 years, Wilzig, 70, has scoured markets and antique shops from Paris to St. Petersburg to amass a 4,000-piece collection that includes Kama Sutra temple carvings from India, peekaboo Victorian figurines who flash their behinds and a prop from the sado-sexual thriller "A Clockwork Orange."

Melody Gilbert

MNSpeak has a link to an article about the...."documentarian"?...whose fundraiser I went to last weekend. I'm mad at her. I didn't get a call about success on any of the silent auction items I bid on. How can I compete with young whippersnappers who are capable of staying up until 2:00 a.m. and then taking a bicycle taxi home. Really - she should have had things that were interesting only to someone over 35. Go check out Melody Gilbert at MN Artists, and if you have Netflix, add WHOLE to your list of movies to watch (being added to the Netflix family in about a week).

Maps - The Twins and Black Helicopters

Infosthetics and MNSpeak both have links up to a mapping study that divides the U.S. by more than just red and blue. Instead, CommonCensus examines the spheres of influence carved out by team affiliation and individuals' propensity to use the words "pop", "soda" and "coke". The MLB map is particularly interesting to me as it warns that it's highly inaccurate, yet shows that the Twins dominate the Dakotas and barely cross into Montana. My grandparents' farm is at the far end of that territory, just inside Montana, where the Rockies kick in, and one of my fondest memories as a kid was riding in the big John Deere tractor, initially with my grandfather, then later by myself, and plowing the wheat fields while listening to the Twins games. There wasn't a farmer within 40 miles that couldn't immediately tell you the score after the game. My impression was always that Twins games were simply the highpoint of any day because they allowed you to enjoy your job and avoid your wife, who at any given moment was a bit stir crazy from living in a shack on the MonDak plains. There weren't any Colorado Rockies back then, so any game that pitted the Twins against the Royals or the A's was the highpoint of the week/month and likely to come up in conversation at the dances held at the deprecated community hall, sugar company, farmer's union, town festivity or fraternal organization. Sometimes it's surprising to me I turned into such a city boy.



Also, local law student Generic Heretic has a post up about the results of The Register's "Spot the Black Helicopter" competition, which is great demonstration of what you can do when every corner of the earth is scrutinized by satellite. I wonder if they captured a better mug shot of DeLay from way up there.

Slavery is a natural part of man. It explains that in the Bible.

Southern Povery Law Center's newest Intelligence Report (Fall 2005) is on the web, and I always find it a must read. My favorite section is "The Last Word" which always details something so absurd you have to wonder if they made it up. This issue's Last Word is "'Heritage' for Sale", all about a Southern Patriot Shop specializing in your racist needs. How can you not patronize a store where where the clerks work so diligently to ensure you get all the latest in biblical interpretation and currency defacement:

"People today misunderstand what slavery was all about," he said. "Slavery is a natural part of man. It explains that in the Bible. And that's what really separated the North from the South, is that the South recognized the Bible as the true word of God when it came to slavery."

Behind the counter, Sutter took all the five-dollar bills out of his cash drawer and methodically stamped over Lincoln's face on each of them with a red Confederate flag.

Rowan Atkinson Wants to Mock Your Religion

"...I think that the right to offend is far more important than a right not to be offended."

The complete text of Rowan Atkinson's very-well thought out speech against the UK Hate Bill is up at Religion News Blog. It's an incredibly interesting rail against how political correctness can be used by anyone to stiffle free speech and how twisted political ends are in...ahem...England. Can we trade The Terminator for Edmund Blackadder? (fine fine...Mr. Bean).

"The prime motivating energy for the Bill seemed to come not from communities eeking protection from bullying by the British National Party but from individuals with a more aggressive, fundamentalist agenda. Those who have sought, from the very day of the publication in 1989 of Salman Rushdie’s book The Satanic Verses, to immunise religions against criticism and ridicule – or at least to promote legislation that is so sinister and intimidating, it can provide that immunity without even the need to prosecute anyone. In other words, to impose self-censorship."

Texas Hold 'Em

I played Texas Hold 'Em at TallBrad's last night and went home with second place, which I believe might put me at dead even over all the games I've played at his place. While second place was exciting (though it took four hours to get there and I eventually lost most of my chips in heads up on a K-3 versus a J-6 on the river), far more exciting was pushing TallBrad out of the game, at his house, so close to the beginning, and taking his bounty chip, by playing a pair of Queens against his pair of Aces and drawing into the third queen even though one had already been (unknowningly) tossed. Brad assures me this was, at best, at 20% vs. 80% draw, and I'm sure he's right, as he had four hours to do the math while I nursed the chips I took from him all the way to the end.

Trees, Trees, TREES!

I took Tuesday off so Pooteewheet, Eryn and I could all visit the Minnesota Arboretum. We packed a picnic lunch and spent four hours or so wandering around and enjoying the leaves in color, the plants that were still alive and, in Eryn's case, the fountains. Pooteewheet was amused by the woman near us in the cafeteria who was decked out in Jeep paraphenalia, until we got to the parking lot and realized why. There was some sort of Jeepster reunion going on. If you don't know what a Jeepster is, you're in the same boat I was in; but you have the advantage of being able to link immediately to Wikipedia's Jeepster link, and see my Arboretum Jeepster montage.


There were hundreds of (well, more than a hundred) cute pictures of Eryn - but unless you're really interested, we generally only subject family and friends. However, I willingly subject all of you to more pictures of me inappropriately touching giant animals, and a spectualarly staged bit of geekdom perpetrated on my wife.

The giant bird slide. I believe Klund may have linked to this in his family picture blog. You climb in the mouth and then are pooped out the back end. You can just barely make out Eryn getting excreted amongst the branches.


This was in a giant nest and we were assured it was a giant egg. That means it counts as a giant animal and I'm allowed to take an embarassing picture. You can tell I'm in touch with my feminine side as I'm working to keep it warm.


Pooteewheet posing for a picture I'm sure the Arboretum folks had in mind when they placed this statue on the grounds. Live long and prosper or dorky wife of mine. Eryn, down in the corner, wants nothing to do with mom and is sure that the waterfall in the background is infinitely more interesting.

Books - A Post Just for Kevin

Staying away from books on the top of my list, like "The Definitive Guide to SQL Server Performance Optimization" (truly a nail biter, I loved it), "The Complete Book of Long-Distance Cycling" (your dad would enjoy it more than you) and Franzen's "The Corrections", might I suggest one of the following:

• "War for the Oaks" - Emma Bull - magic realism in the Twin Cities
• "Perdido Street Station" - China Mieville (if you liked The Scar, you'll like it)
• "Revelation Space" by Alastair Reynolds (part of a [long] series, however, and the rest of the series isn't as good) - sci fi
• "Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America" - Dan Savage - Dan tries to break the seven deadly sins (non fiction)
• Anything by Connie Willis, but "Doomsday Book" was particularly good - sci fi, mostly
• "The Time Ships" by Stephen Baxter - probably the only Baxter book you'll need or want to read, the rest just aren't that different, or they're bad - sci fi
• "Use of Weapons" by Iain Banks. He's a little scary - I'm not sure I'd like a tour of his brain. - sci fi
• Most of Vernor Vinge's books - friendly sci fi
• Swords Trilogy by Michael Moorcock - but I'm going to bet you've read that - fantasy
• Joe Haldeman writes good sci fi ("The Forever War", etc.)
• Neil Gaiman's books are good as well - more fantasy than anything else (magical realism) - and he writes with Terry Pratchett now and then. "American Gods" is great.
• James Morrow books are good - he's like Christopher Moore, but more religious and a bit more serious (he's trying to make a point) - "Bible Stories for Adults" is enjoyable, and so is "Towing Jehovah" (former is short stories)
• Old Neal Stephenson, before he got wordy (I like the new stuff, I just liked the old stuff better) - scifi
• Paradise War series by Stephen Lawhead (should take you a day per book) - fantasy
• Anything by Philip K. Dick or Jorge Luis Borges - sort of sci fi

Do NOT read:

• "Popcorn Report, The: The Future of Your Co., World, Life " - Faith Popcorn
• "Forlorn Hope, The" - David Drake
• "Distributed Applications with Visual Interdev 6.0: for Exam 70-152" - Microsoft
• "Angels & Demons" - Dan Brown
• "Dune: House Atreides" - Herbert, Brian and Kevin J. Anderson
• Vampire$ - Steakley, John
• "Worldwar: in the Balance" - Turtledove, Harry

My brother in law, Ceri

Should view this and be horrified (courtesy of the City Pages Blotter).

CNNN (Australian), "Who Should We Bomb Next..."
http://www.crooksandliars.com/2005/10/12.html#a5332

Urban Explorers

Last night Kyle and I went to a fundraiser for the documentary "Urban Explorers", by Melody Gilbert. I have to admit, based on the advertising, I was expecting to see some scenes from the upcoming documentary. But strangely, that was not the case. We parked in St. Paul and refused a bike taxi ride from the guy in the dark parking lot next to the Baptist Church, and walked the two blocks to the Bobo Club. Kyle bought us each a Summit EPA and we ponyed up our tickets and walked into the club's main area. What I expected was a bunch of chairs and a screen for the clips. What was there were lots of young, attractive, and fashionably dressed women, lounging at tables and on tables, including one woman that looked like Sean Young from Bladerunner (although Kyle insists she embodied a bit of Jessica Alba - I didn't get her number for you, Mr. Mustard), and a screen, and some guys with a guitar and Indian drums. We stood around looking perplexed for a while until one of the women (in fishnet stockings) assured us we could sit down. Kyle later indicated he at least felt assured it wasn't a strip club - but I had no such assurances as I had seen the word "burlesque" scrawled across the Bobo Club's website. We both came to the same conclusion, however, that we must be faced with performance art. Fortunately, they weren't any such thing; they were just modeling clothes. If the men who had been modeling clothes hadn't been lounging on the sides, it might have been more obvious.

It was a somewhat amorphous event (Kyle's word, not mine), and we discussed how it reminded us both of nothing so much as an MFA gathering (Kyle having once been married to an MFA graduate, and I having had to put up with them for several years at Hamline while earning an MALS in writing and refusing to become one of them). After a while they played some live music and showed slides from other documentaries and clips from other documentaries (Married at the Mall), all of which was somewhat difficult to hear as it became obvious that what we were at was truly a fundraising effort - a crowded silent auction and lots of networking. Kyle and I eventually gave in and wandered over to examine the silent auction items, actually putting a bid on a few (a documentary basket I thought might make a good secret santa gift, a Sesame Street basket for Eryn and a yoga series for Jen - Kyle bid on an vodka set and a different documentary basket), although we left early (10:30 or so), so I'm pretty sure someone probably outbid us by a dollar later in the night. I think if we'd have known what to expect, it might have been a bit less of a surprise (well...there's a stupid statement, but you know what I mean).

Regardless, our tickets went to help fund Melody's movie and our silent auction bids no doubt drove up the prices on some items a bit in order to get her more money, so when the film comes out (and I fully intend to see it - now I'm just more interested), I can feel like I contribued a little.

Interlacing

There's a practice called "interlacing" that's followed by many fantasy writers as it naturally follows a tradition practiced by medieval writers. Basically, if you have a story about a character, say King Arthur and his knights, anywhere in the story where there's a lapse of time, you're free to create a new story that takes place during that time with the characters that are out of scope. Say Lancelot wanders off to look for the grail and is gone for a year? Well, something must have happened during that year other than "came back with the grail", so you can write that story. In another section, perhaps Gwain has wandered off to pursue his lost love. Well, there's a story too. But hey, in the Lancelot story writer X wrote, there's some blank space, so why not have him meet up with Gwain in your story, and he'll be looking for the grail and doing the things in writer X's story. Throw in another story by another writer (Z) about Gwenivere, who stays at home and is pining away without Arthur or Lancelot and is bored because it was Gwain that used to play checkers with her on Thursday (k)nights. She must be involved in something too; so add a story about a new knight, and have him meet her and she can explain how bored she is because all the men in her life are gone, and he can explain how he's met all three of them in his travels and reference back to the complete body of literature generated so far.

Tolkein has a complete essay on the practice, and you can certainly see it at work in how he crafts The Ring series. It also makes an appearance in most Cthulu-esque novels where authors reference horrible books from other writers' stories, weave them and their history into their own story, and add a book of their own. It's a fascinating process. But there's another process that isn't quite as obvious for which I'm not sure if there's a name - the process by which everything you read and watch, books and movies, seem to tie together sometimes by referencing all the same works.

For instance, Eastern Standard Tribe by Cory Doctorow has the following fatherly advice for a son, "You can't fuck a crazy girl sane" (whether I agree or disagree is another post). I immediately followed this with Christopher Moore's Island of the Sequined Love Nun in which the main character, Tucker Case, exhorts himself, "I will not get drunk and bone the crazy woman." Both books are very good. Eastern Standard Tribe is just so different, in almost a cyberpunk style that's not cyberpunk, that it's interesting, for the writing if not for the story. And Island of the Sequined Love Nun starts out slow, but is a good story by the end, although the redemption of the main character is always a little in doubt in my mind. However, I think that's part of what Moore intended, so well done.

Then the other day, Pooteewheet and I watched The Seven Samurai [1954] (I should say the other days, because it took us quite a while to watch a three and half hour movie after Eryn's bedtime). After that, I find myself reading Stephen King's Song of Susannah (book VI of the Dark Tower Series - not a great book, but I've been reading the series since high school, when I got the first book as a gift, so I feel compelled to finish. I actually started the book a year ago and was interrupted by a work project, so I was only now getting back to it). King makes reference to how much of the book/series can be seen as structured around The Magnificent Seven [1960], a remake of The Seven Samurai. There's more to tie all of them together, but it's an interesting study of culture that it's so pervasive that you can play X Degrees of Separation games with all of it - i.e. you can do more than relate Kevin Bacon to Sarah Silverman, you can relate Eastern Standard Tribe to Kevin Bacon to Sarah Silverman if you really work hard. Sure, integrating King is perhaps a bit of a cheat as he's the amoeba of cultural writers - if it influenced him as a kid, you'll see a reference - but maybe that's just him recognizing something that was already there.

Iron Sunrise

See the book on the left, Iron Sunrise by Charles Stross? Never, ever read it. If you don't believe me, don't read on, as I'll ruin things for you, although reading the book will ruin more for you than anything I could do. Yes, yes...I realize I found Stross' first book interesting and was hoping his sophomore effort would address some of the deficiencies in that book, but it's more as though he took everything bad in the first book, amplified it, and added new, significant, annoyances. I can summarize the plot as "Planet of uber(wo)men neo-Nazis attempt to spread their ideology and take down a singularity-looped AI by generating their own ubermensch-uploaded AI they worship as a God, but are handily defeated by the UN, a reporter and a teenager with bad fashion sense, all of whom primarily do nothing more than run around in circles, on a cruise boat in space. Cue killer clown, gratuitous, unnecessary, sex scenes, and a motif of love will defeat the neo-Nazi menace for spice." Don't believe me it's that bad? The characters are beyond annoying. They're insipid, uninspired, unbelievable, unnatural, and unreadable. I can't stress how much I disliked every character in the book by the time I was done. I can't convey my horror that the whole book seems to be a setup for a sequel. I really wish the supernova that gave the book its title had taken out the whole universe that gave rise to this novel. I have read worse, just not recently.

Ride of the Mergansers III

My friend Steve has moved beyond his 15 minutes of fame to playing his duckmentary at every venue in town. If you're worried you won't be able to catch it, you're not trying hard enough.

Wednesday, October 19th, Bryant Lake Bowl. Starts at 7:00 and lasts about 2 hours. Steve will be there and do a Q&A afterwards.

He'll be at the GET REAL documentary film festival at the Lagoon in November (4-10). He's not sure which day - he's going to show as an opening bit before a feature. Get Real finally posted their schedule today, and if you buy your festival pass before November 1st, you get a $10 discount (so $35) and unlimited movies (per movie price is $8). This is an incredible film festival, and I will be there, particularly to see Sarah Silverman talk filthy. Pooteewheet and I are even going to the trouble of finding weekend-long sitters this year so we can see a full weekend of movies.

Mergansers will show at the Walker on November 5th, 1 and 3 in the afternoon (free).

And it will be on television as well.
Sunday, November 6th, 11 pm, channel 2
Saturday, November 12, 10 pm, channel 17

Getting the idea that it's a duckmentary that's in demand? If you like it and want your own copy, be sure to visit Steve's website: http://www.RideOfTheMergansers.com.

Different Strokes for Different Folks

This post is merely to cover things specific to the various individuals I know. It may or may not be of interest to anyone else:

Kristin, over at So What If I'm a Bitch? had a post up defending her right to love her American Girl doll(s) and about a Dekalb lecture about how the dolls are for rich girls. I think I can fully support American Girl dolls because they fund a group dedicated to empowering girls, Girls, Inc. It's doubly wonderful as it has a segment of the right (the American Family Association) up in arms about how they're funding "a pro-abortion, pro-lesbian advocacy group." So, Kristin, next time someone gives you a hard time about your doll, tell them that your $100 is directly supporting, "Girls Inc., which traces its roots back to a center founded in Waterbury, Conn., in 1864, serves about 800,000 girls a year, many of them black or Hispanic and most from low-income families" and is giving AFA chairman Don Wildmon and approximately 2.2 million other (conservative) AFA members a queasy feeling in their belief that the dolls capture a more appropriate period of women's history.

This is for TallBrad, although I already sent it to him personally - but it's just so very funny I thought I'd share. Via Boing Boing, Jesus poker chips. Brad originally focused on the words at the top without fully encompassing the picture, so he read "Don't Accept Jesus" - absolutely not the point they were trying to get across.

Ming has a new jacket he bought with his birthday dollars. It's very natty. Discuss.

For the bike enthusiasts in the crowd. Let it be known that Metallica's "Whiskey in the Jar", if pedalled to on a Cyclosimulator Cateye CS-1000 set for a 2% grade, wind fan enabled, mounted by a Bianchi Brava circa 1989, large frame, slight warp, Shimano Biopace drive system (52) and Shimano 105 shifting components, with a very stretched chain, in 11th gear, warrants a cadence that approximates an average speed of 17.9 miles per hour (for just over five minutes). This is information that should be stored somewhere in a database of information that will never be repeated by another human being.

For Kyle and Adam. I have more or less given up most computer gaming for the most part, although lately has been an exception, hence my lack of blogging time (and I won two $80 tickets to the Vancouver vs. The Wild game for Wednesday, so I was out that night as well. The score was 6-0, and I can say I saw Foy's first two league goals while the crowd chanted sieve, sieve, sieve, at the Vancouver net). Kyle loaned me a copy of Bard's Tale for the Playstation, a remake of the original Bard's Tale I played on my monochrome Compaq portable with the six inch, built in screen, for hours at a time, but nothing like it at all, except for the bard and his singing. It's hilarious, with drunken bar singing about the man who invented beer (rhymes with Hops) and goblins doing Backstreet Boys dance moves while singing Oompa-Loompa like songs about how it sucks to be you. I have also been playing the computer equivalent of a board game, War, Age of Imperialism (I picked up several copies for my friends on the cheap), which is great because you don't have to be in the same room as the board gamers, and you don't have to set up all the pieces and then hide the board from the cat if you don't finish. We finally finished the first game after several months, so here is the screen to rub in the fact that I kick ass.

For me: I went to breakfast this morning at the Original Pancake House in Edina with my friend Mike, who I haven't seen since he had his second kid (and for some time before that). I had the two eggs and hashbrowns, the former perfectly done over medium, the latter mixed with some onion and the perfect vehicle for sopping up the yolks of the former. And three pancakes. And so much coffee I was bouncing. So I would like to point out that there is absolutely no reason at all for this (below). Perkins? You have Perkins as #2. Above the Egg and I, Hell's Kitchen, Louisiana Grill, Longfellow, and just about every other breakfast joint in town. I am officially repulsed by the lot of you. There's no excuse, unless you all live south of the river where there just aren't any options. You claim to be civilized and cosmopolitan...you simply cannot claim those things and still consider Perkins the number two breakfast eatery in Minneapolis/St. Paul...shame...shame!

Results of Mpls/St.Paul Magazine 2005 Readers Poll for Best...

Breakfast
1. Keys Cafe
2. Perkins Restaurant & Bakery
3. The Original Pancake House
4. (tie) The Egg & I; Hell’s Kitchen

Beer Box Kitties

Rew over at Power Liberal has a picture of an unnamed, yet presumably family, cat in a Summit box. I'm going to break a rather firm rule, and actually do my own bit of catblogging because, 1.) they're both liberal kitties and 2.) they're both supporting Minnesota beers (I have both Summit Oktoberfest and Schell's Oktoberfest in my beer fridge at the moment), although Cleo is breaking form and drinking a bit of Wisconsin as well.



Please go give Mean Mr. Mustard's kitty, Rambis, some fond parting words as well. Rambis was around for Mr. Mustard (who's not so mean when he's really sad about his cat) for sixteen years, and I'm sure he's seen Mr. Mustard through good times, bad times and all those momentous changes in his career and family. I imagine when your cat has been a permanent fixture of your life for so long, it really is like losing a good friend or family member. He was around to see us off on several Bike Classics, and was involved in my mistaken assumption that Mean Mr. Mustard was the biggest geek in the world for naming his cat RAMbus, as opposed to just a big California sports geek.

Mrs. America 2005

While waiting for Pooteewheet to show up from the laundry room so we could watch another hour of Seven Samurai, I was treated to several minutes of the 2005 Mrs. America paegent. Is We kidding? What executive over there thinks this thing is empowering for women? I was a bit creeped out by the whispering of "Mrs. America, Mrs. America, Mrs. America" as they came back from a commercial break, which sounded exactly like the coo, coo, coo, coo, choo, choo, choo, choo Friday the 13th soundtrack. I was annoyed by the whole "Spirit of America Award". According to the web, it's something the United Way gives out, and that would be great - an award for dedication to volunteer work - maybe for helping refugees from Katrina or raising money for poor children in Appalachia or promoting literacy. But no, this was an award that went to last year's Mrs. America for inspirational singing of the national anthem. I don't remember Jimi Hendrix ever being a posthumous recipient of the award, so it just can't be that great an honor.

Sex Dolls, Female Soldiers and Yahoo Ads

Elise at After School Snack has a post up about a Salon article, Just like a woman, reporting that "Thousands of men are shelling out $6,500 for hyper-realistic dolls that answer all their needs -- and don't talk back" that is truly nauseating in its description of dolls that come back for repair
after being found "hacked to pieces in a dumpster", "The jaw in the doll was still in her skull, but behind her neck. Her hands were ripped off and fingers were missing. Her left breast was hanging on by a thread of skin, like your bra strap," and "Another time, an Asian undergraduate student at a university in California dropped his 1-year-old doll off for repairs. Fiero says the young man told him that his parents bought him the doll so that he would stay at home and study rather than go out chasing women. Fiero's photographs of the damaged doll make me cringe: Her leg was torn off, revealing the steel hardware of her hip joints; an arm hung by an inch of silicone flesh; two fingers were severed; and the cleavage between her buttocks was torn into a ragged crevasse."

It's difficult to understand whether these individuals are acting out on the dolls and thus avoiding assaulting real women, acting out on the dolls as a prelude to assaulting real women, or what their damage is; but it's absolutely disturbing to read.

And while we're on the topic of inappropriate treatment of women, read The Salt Lake Tribune article by Matthew D. LaPlante, Sex is a fact of life among Americans in uniform.

"What a lot of these women don't understand, because they are young or inexperienced with sex before they came out here, is that it is the same back home, too," she says. "Men want a girl to be easy, but they don't respect a girl who is easy. So whether we're in Iraq, or Salt Lake City, or New York or wherever, this is our reality.

Which brings me to a weird advertisement that kept showing up for my Yahoo mail account every time I logged in for the past few weeks. Perhaps there's something I don't understand here with the lantern and its symbol, but why is a faceless, chesty woman behind a lantern appropriate for a virus cleaning advertisement? The more I saw of this advertisement, the more it bugged me - arms, boobs, lantern head, zap 'em, arms, boobs, lantern head, zap 'em, over and over...it just creeps me out. Am I supposed to assume she has a virus and is hiding in shame? What the hell is going on and when is a faceless woman an appropriate advertising motiff?

Patriots Cheerleaders

The Army is "Desperately Seeking Soldiers, at the Mall" in Massachusetts, and apparently will make use of local assets to assist in recruitment:

Patriots cheerleaders will make an appearance at the Natick Mall office's grand opening on Oct. 22.

Perhaps when recruitment starts at the Mall of America, the Vikings can enlist their cruise boat tarts to aid in the process.

Narnia and Madonna

I enjoyed the Narnia books when I was younger. However, I just knew after seeing the trailer that they were going to target it at evangelicals. I hope someone photoshops two horny penguins in there somewhere just to be snarky.

Hollywood has been wooing churchgoers since its early days. No matter that some of the clergy regarded movies as a tool of the devil. Legendary director Cecil B. DeMille, whose father had studied to become a priest of the Episcopal faith, reached out to that audience in the 1920s with biblical-themed films such as "The Ten Commandments" and "The King of Kings."

Why is it that when an article lists movies aimed at churchgoers, not just biblically-themed films mind you, they don't include the classics like Birth of a Nation? There's enough crap on the web about "civil religion" and religion, white supremacy and Birth of a Nation to uphold the theory that it's religious, at least in historical evolution.

Speaking of which, you can go see a short remix of DJ Spooky's Rebirth of a Nation at his website.

And while we're addressing religion, after twenty years haven't they learned to deal with Madonna? First it was Catholics, and now Jews: "Such a woman brings great sin on kabbalah..." The only one even vaguely bringing sin upon Yitzhak Luria and the kabbalah is Rabbi Israel Deri told Maariv by admitting that his faith could in any way be influenced by a Madonna album. Madonna seems to be working backwards one religion every decade or so, so I imagine by 2020 we'll have some Sumerians raising bloody hell about her treatment of the Enuma Elish.

The Boston Globe Profiles Dobson

Considering I was bombarded with little signs promoting a Dobson-friendly church during the recent storm, I guess it's appropriate a whole article about him shows up on my radar over at the Boston Globe. Go read the article if you can stomach it. But keep in mind it's part of a series, and you may feel like I do with those fantasy series that are never finished, that I'm constrained to finish them no matter how ill I feel. I love the phrase "hurtling toward Gomorrah", but solely because Dan Savage appropriated it for his own book, "Skipping Towards Gomorrah" (which is a wonderful book). Actually, I think Dan was mocking Robert Bork's "Slouching Toward Gomorrah", but it works equally well in this case. I've decided to go one step further and include a picture of Dan's book in the same posting as a link to an article about Dobson because it would probably annoy Dobson.

In his view, Roe v. Wade, the 1973 Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion, has caused the ''biggest holocaust in world history"; the Supreme Court is guilty of ''judicial tyranny" that threatens religious liberties; wide approval for gay marriage would send the nation ''hurtling toward Gomorrah"; and the federal judiciary is a despotic oligarchy that represents ''the last playground of the liberal left."

...

In the last few years, Dobson marshaled enormous resources of media, money,
and mailing lists in preparation for these high-court vacancies, which he calls
''a watershed moment in American history."

Does anyone beside me get the impression that watershed moments in American history are a useful way of raising the same level of excitement you used to get by saying the end of the world was nigh? Although with our President noting that God told him it was time to blow people up in Iraq and Afghanistan, it's getting very difficult to tell the political watersheds from the religious watersheds no matter from which direction you approach them.

Just for Fun - via Fimoculous

Fimoculous (Rex) has a link to a very funny reality video up over at his site: Aziz carries the world's shittiest mixtape around on a boombox. The point isn't so much the shitty mixtape as it is the reactions to the blaring of the tape on the street.

Yet Another Post Where I Inappropriately Touch Animal Statues, Among Other Things

Table of Contents:
1.) where I don't almost drown
2.) where I go to the Dells and touch animal statues inappropriately

Tuesday Night's Flooding:
Almost a week without a post and none of you even called to ask if I was still alive after the great deluge. That whole Tuesday night raining thing was pretty exciting. I went up to Maple Grove to see my friend Kyle for some beer (and to watch some episodes of Survivorman, which I'd never seen, but which is greatly amusing). I called Pooteewheet as I was leaving to say that it had been raining and storming but looked ok, and she didn't disagree. So I had no idea it was as bad as it was. I basically shot out of Maple Grove (and past several very wet FindGodInMapleGrove.com signs - nothing like getting your Focus on the Family-advocating sign out there during a bit of flooding to give it that authentic Biblical feel) back down 494 to 77 to Diffley and home. 494 was a continuous wall of two cement barriers trapping the water into a river going the same way as the cars, but never got more than a few inches deep, so was navigable, albeit very frightening when a car shot away from the barrier into your lane to avoid a deep patch. But my neighborhood was a different issue entirely. When I came off the highway, there was a fire engine blocking off the road. So, like all individuals who are sure that if the main route is bad, the back roads must be better, I hopped off through a shallow stream that was the frontage road and seesawed back and forth until right before my house I plowed into the first 8 inches of a several foot deep puddle of water with a car bearing down behind me. I blinked my break lights like a madman while trying to back up, but the other car just kept coming, so with my belts screaming from the water and the subtle smell of liquefied dirt evaporating off the engine, I went forward and sideways instead, letting him plunge into the water where I had just been. He came to a stop long before he would have stalled out and even though I was quietly cursing him, I sat still long enough to make sure he could back up before I continued on my merry way, worried that if I stopped my spark plugs would be too wet to ever start without the aid of a cookie sheet and the oven (honest, listen to a bit of Car Talk). Only to encounter yet another large body of water, deeper than the last. Then another. But by then the original route had opened up on the opposing side of the intersection, where it was highest, and I was able to squeak through and home.

The Dells:
We took the car to the Dells, so it obviously was none the worse for the wear. Even the gas mileage was fine, and we only had to buy four gallons of gas in Wisconsin (we might have been able to squeak by with 0, but it would have been a gamble) at their inflated rate of 30 cents over the Minnesota average (cheese to gasoline research tax, I'm sure). This was our third time to the Dells in a year, but as it's the anniversary of the first time, we can safely consider it the first time this year. We go off season to avoid the people and pay half price. However, I should warn everyone who might go, if you go to Great Wolf and you have a small child who's been before make sure Wiley's Woods has not been turned into a haunted house first. Eryn would walk into the hallway, point at a picture of a wolf surround by balls and announce, "That's Wiley. That's Wiley's Woods. It has no balls. They made a haunted house. There will be balls next time." and then stick out a big, sad lip. She was far more interested in the waterpark this time, however, and even ventured within splashing distance of the several-hundred gallon bucket when it tolled its imminent dumping. I'd go into more details, but it's a water park. You just do watery things. The highpoint for the adults is generally ribs and beer at Moose Jaw and the omelet at Denny's (not Denny's the chain, a different Denny's, totally unassociated with the chain that makes a stupendous breakfast).

So, on to what I'm sure you're primarily interested in - me inappropriately touching animal statues (among other esoterica) - note that no children were traumatized in the creation of these pictures.

The big mouse at Black River Falls. We stopped at Perkins, just so I could reaffirm that I hate Perkins. My pancakes were crusty and shiny on top, not to mention cold enough that I had to ask to have them reheated. My hash browns were white and approximated one point five fork fulls of food, that was if they'd been particularly edible. My eggs were colder than the pancakes. Eryn, however, liked the sausage, and Perkins does make me appreciate breakfast at (the non-chain) Denny's that much more. That's his tail by my hand, by the way.


This is a horse ride at the Moose Jaw that Eryn wanted to sit on. We didn't put money in it; we just let her sit on it. We're cheap, and that's more money for beer. However, it's worth a picture because it comes with its very own six shooter and it's really disturbing to take a picture of your two year old with a handgun built into a cyborg horse.


It's even more disturbing to note that if she put money in the ride, she could shoot at vaguely-racist representations of her ancestors. Ah, the good old days of gaming.


This isn't as funny as it is when you can read the display. It has several naked bears and the order "Touch a bear to start" as well as a sign that warns that one of the bears is personally going to "pop out" at you. It's like a bad touch bear display and really rather disturbing (beyond the fact that the clothes you can win include a leather outfit and a half shirt).


Me touching moose butt on the top of a Moose Jaw Brewpub delivery vehicle. As I was taking this picture, I bemoaned the fact that with all those children driving by, I was loath to do what I was sure Dan from PlanetDan would do, which is give it a good goose and make a silly face.


A bock and an oktoberfest later, and dark enough to ensure most children were gone...


This is from inside the Moose Jaw. This is perhaps the most frightening piece of animal reuse I've ever seen. I'm not sure whether to admire the fact that they used the whole deer, creeped out by the obvious creepiness of the thing, or confused because the deer had six feet. When I really think about it, I get the impression that the deer had twelve feet, six on a side, and looked like a deeripede, and that's disgusting. On a positive spin, if Mean Mr. Mustard is ever angling for a passive-aggressive divorce, I think taking his wife here for a candlelit dinner beneath the deer feet might put him on the fast track to splitsville.


Finally, this is my friend Dan'l playing the Uncle Fester game at Great Wolf. He paid seventy-five cents for the privilege of being electrocuted. That's the whole game - it just ramps up and up and shocks you - the slow version of putting your finger in a light socket. Pooteewheet is apparently no wiser than Dan'l and wandered over to where Eryn and I were sitting in a game booth (once again, not actually spending any quarters), sucking on her finger and noting that "it hurts". Apparently you used to be able to win a few skee-ball tickets for playing, but the little sign now notes that it's "Just 4 Fun!"

POTUS and Peloton One

I hate the acronym SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the United States). Sounds like the singular of scrotum...you know, if you had two. I also dislike POTUS (President of the United States) because it really sounds way too much like CLETUS. Not some acroynm, just the name. It conjures up pictures of hillbillies and doofy, southern cops. And I hate my subscription to Bicycling magazine. I used to like it, back when it was about training plans and gear ratios and ride diets and the like. But now it's about $7,000 bikes, equally expensive peripherals, bike messengers, mountain biking and sex (they had a sex issue and The Liberator (nsfw) is frequently featured in the ads). Absolutely yuppified beyond recognition over the last several years. I'd just not renew, but I had a habit of renewing it a few times a year whenever there was a discount, so I think I'm locked in until about 2009.

Which brings me to a rather nauseating intersection. The big feature in this issue is the editors ride with POTUS. This is exactly what you'd expect it to be: an editor's letter about how riding bike is not a political statement (despite Critical Mass [dead site, but mailing list options] and Riding Tall Bikes for Christ), a discussion about whether to wear or enshrine "Peloton One" commemorative socks, a bit of spin casting POTUS' riding as a valid way to "escape his daily grind", and a glowing review of how the President can "hang".

How can you not be inspired to ride with an article that begins:

"An alpha rider, often a guy, will start talking slightly louder than everyone else about what route to take and what pacing should be like. He's the one who rolls out first. And chances are, if you try to pass him, he'll get mad."

...and then goes on to discuss POTUS' weeks of vacation, his gift of a bike from Trek, his gift of a bike from Lance Armstrong (yes, one ridden in the Tour), his commercial tree venture, his designation of the editor of Bicycling as "Bicycling Guy" (I once had a friend with the nickname "T-shirt Boy", which is just about as original, but was a much funnier story), and his designation of the ride group as Peloton One and the ride as Tour de Crawford.

There's also his simulataneous bragging about a.) his likeness to a mythological hero, b.) his depth of knowledge about myth, and c.) his kickin' ability to continue on against all odds: "...Achilles' Hill, a scree pile POTUS named when he fell trying to clean it and cut his heel. 'Took three stitches when I got back, but I finished the ride...'" There's the jokes, advertent or inadvertent in the light of the UN I Have to Pee memo, "About this time, Sal Ruibal of USA Today asks the President for permission to take a trailside leak. Permission granted." And don't forget, "No one is allowed to pass the President, he notes with a half-smile. Then he adds, 'This is not a race.'" I'm sure that's just as much of a joke as him being friendly and then giving Alexandra Pelosi the cold shoulder in Journeys with George. He may sound like he's joking, he may act like he's joking, but he's dead serious about his masculine line in the sand.

On a positive note, our community stands to get a sizeable chunk of cash in the Transportation Bill for trail pilot programs (about $25 million), courtesy of Jim Oberstar (though no mention of him is made in Bicycling - it's spun as an interest of POTUS) and the US Chamber of Commerce says bikes are actually outselling cars this year. As for me, I'm going to give up my subscription to Bicycling when it expires and focus on buying Eryn an air hockey table with whatever funds I can scrape together. She learned to play today (albeit, the slowest game of air hockey you've ever witnessed), and I have yet to read an article about POTUS and air hockey.

Panty Parties

According to ReligionNewsBlog.com, Elissa Kroeger ("...we trying to make a political statement with our clothing?" - see the bottom of this post or MNObserver's take on it over at The Power Liberal) shouldn't be quite so concerned about the political statement overalls make, and should be more concerned about the statement she's making underneath those overalls.

The Rev Jan Harney, a Church of England cleric in Manchester who also works for Activate, said that she wanted Christians to relax, have fun and to get to know people before trying to convert them." I have not conducted a lingerie party myself, but when Bridget Jones was all the rage I know that some Christian groups were holding knickers parties," she said. "To be honest, I am not sure what happened at those. Nobody has told me.

...

The Bishop of Bolton, the Rt Rev David Gillett, said: "They are the modern version of the Tupperware party and they are a natural way for women to meet. They can lead to a discussion of themes such as Adam and Eve and relations between people and God."

That's right...knickers parties...lingerie parties for the glory of Christ! Suck your neighbors into a panty party then drop a copy of the Good Book into the order - make sure to keep it away from anything crotchless. Next thing you know MNObserver will be recommending that lefties all get together to have sex toy parties just so they can stay ahead of the curve.

Of course, maybe they're all promoting these chastity underwear (link to actual site) at the parties (I figured chastitywear was, de facto, what Elissa's overalls were), in which case it's really rather pointless.

It Is Not a Slippery Slope Argument

I think this week’s Savage Love by Dan Savage is exquisite. You don’t get pro-gay marriage talking points/theory from any of the other major advice columnists. So if you’ve ever needed a pocket version of the counter-argument to the whole slippery slope/turtle nonsense, here you go:

I fully support gay rights and wrote a letter to the prime minister--I'm up in Canada--supporting gay marriage. But whenever I get into debates about the issue with right-wing acquaintances, they bring up "the thin edge of the wedge" and insist that gay marriage will lead to polygamy. This leaves me stymied.

I have no argument with adults who freely choose to enter into open relationships. My problem is with fundamentalist cults that indoctrinate their followers from birth and are building armies through the practice of one man having multiple young wives and many children. My feminist backbone shudders at the thought of these young women being bred and raised for the sole purpose of personal fiefdom building.

The argument goes: "If gays should be 'free' to marry, then why not 'religious freedom' for those who choose a polygamous lifestyle?" I'm curious to hear your opinion on this and am hoping you will supply me with an intelligent retort!

- Stymied In Canada

"Her interlocutors are wrong, wrong, wrong," says E. J. Graff, author of What Is Marriage For?, a terrific, informative, and entertaining book about gay marriage. "They're assuming that we homos are making a claim to marriage under the libertarian argument that everyone should be free to do as s/he wishes. Wrong. We are arguing that we already belong to the West's contemporary marriage philosophy--for capitalist and for feminist reasons."

Put your feet in the stirrups, lie back, and relax, SIC, because Graff is going to jam some steel into your shuddering feminist spine: "Once upon a time, the West had a 'traditional' marriage philosophy." The husband owned his wife, whatever children she bore him--you know the drill. But capitalism eventually came along--thank God!--and freed us from those confining sex roles. "Each of us now has to make a living independently, based on individual talents and efforts rather than traditional roles. Over time this led to gender equality in both the job market and the marriage market. Between 1850 and 1970, every developed country struck down its sex-based rules, both in labor (i.e., women can be plumbers and legislators) and in marriage (i.e., married women can own property, hold jobs without hubby's permission, have custody of children, and even--gasp!--say no in bed). The result: Gender equality is today's governing public philosophy, in marriage and in much else. For 150 years, courts and legislatures have changed marriage law to fit this philosophy, under which same-sex couples fit just fine." In other words, heterosexual marriage is not one man taking ownership over one woman, but two individuals, as equals, committing to each other. "The only sex-based restriction left in marriage law," Graff says, "lies in the entrance rules, where it no longer belongs."

Letting same-sex couples make the same gender-neutral commitment that opposite-sex couples make doesn't open the doors to polygamy. "Traditional polygamy grows from exactly the opposite [of gender equality]," says Graff. "One man owns many wombs and grows lots of household labor. That is precisely the opposite of gender equality and of individual-based capitalism. It violates all our contemporary notions of fairness and democracy. Polygamy would mean heading backward into marriage's feudal history; same-sex marriage moves us forward into its equal and democratic future." Now get off the table, SIC, and go argue with your right-wing acquaintances.

(E. J. Graff, currently the Brandeis Women's Studies Research Center resident scholar, has a new book coming out this month, Getting Even: Why Women Don't Get Paid Like Men--and What to Do About It, by Evelyn Murphy with E. J. Graff.)

The TallBrad Chilifest 2005

Last night was Tall Brad's third(?) annual Chilifest. Several dozen people and about a dozen chilis. Our family entry this year (M3 Chili) took third for the third year in the row (last year was a tie for second, but it was TallBrad's house and he tied with Pooteewheet, so he should get the benefit of the doubt. Note that it wasn't the same chili as last year - we submit something new each year). I've posted the recipe at the bottom, as well as the recipe for one of the other test chilis we tried that we decided was just a little too spicy for a Minnesota chili contest. None of our chilis have beans, and though I pretend to subscribe to the Texas chili school that disdains beans, tomotoes and hamburger in chili -- all the things Minnesotans insist make a chili, well, chili -- I am really just a member of the "I hate beans" chili school. This puts a real dent in my ability to judge a Minnesotan chilifest as there are generally only two to three chilis without beans and one of them is always mine. Try the ones listed below, however, and don't stint on the 2-3 hours of simmering, and if you like good, spicy, chili, you'll be very pleased.

The sampling of the chilis (that's Kung Fu chili in the foreground - beans, but navigable if you want to avoid them, and very good). There's another room full of chilis and the ambient temperature inside is about 96 degrees with all those crockpots running - hence all the people outside that you can't see.


Christy "Two Fist" sampling what must be a very funny chili.


TallKevin with his one of his personal bottles of Moose Drool.


Various guests - Julie and Logan to the right.


Erik, Christy and Eryn relaxing in the backyard.


Lisa, Christy and Squirrel gossiping about who had the biggest bowl of chili. Not shown is Lisa's face with the big bruise under her eye that she got while dancing and slamming heads with her dance partner.


Logan and Eryn relaxing. This is after we cleaned up Eryn's chiliface.


Kevin decides that the best way to get a fire to stay alive after several tries is to conduct it, like Bugs Bunny in that cartoon where he's chased by Elmer Fudd. In this picture, Eryn would be Elmer Fudd as she was skulking behind his chair later trying to scare him.


Is this how you make a smore? With a metal stick that gets incredibly hot when held in the fire?


Jen took this picture shortly after asking Kevin if he was drinking a Moose Drool, or if he was just happy to see her.


Eryn decides that it's time to be all done.


On to the recipes:

This was what was submitted as M3 Chili this year...

3 pounds Stewing beef, cubed
1 pound Chorizo(Spanish sausage)
2 Large onions, diced
5 Cloves garlic, minced
3 Jalapeno pepper, peel and diced (peeling isn't absolutely necessary by the way)
3 tablespoons Olive oil
1/2 teaspoon Cayenne
3 tablespoons Chili powder
3 cans Tomato sauce (15-oz each)
1 teaspoon Salt
1 1/2 cup Water
1 can beer (we used an essenced homebrew I made a few years ago - basically a beer that had been infused with Emeril's mixture of spices, the ones he's always yelling "bam" about. If you need more liquid because you want it thinner or to boil/simmer long, more beer works fine).

Brown the meat, garlic, onions and jalapenos in the olive oil. While it's browning, add the cayenne and the chili powder. Add tomato sauce, salt, water and beer. Cover and cook on low heat for 30 minutes (stir frequently). Uncover and simmer for 2 hours. Serves 6 (fewer if they're big, hungry guys).


The other chili we tried that was delicious, but too hot to use, and actually too expensive for a chilifest if you're on a budget and want to do it right by using sirloin, was the following one we found on line. We cut the recipe in thirds and used all sirloin.

Blue's Own Texas-style Chili Recipe by Stephen "Blue" Heaslip

7 lbs beef, trimmed and cut into 1inch to 2 inch cubes (they will break up during cooking) -- your choice of cut -- I like some amount of sirloin in there myself, but stewing beef works more than fine [Scooter's note: Sirloin is soooo good in this recipie.]
7 cups beef broth (4 14-1/2 oz cans)
3/4 cup olive oil
15 cloves garlic -- finely chopped
3/4 cup flour
1 bottle beer (we used a little more than recommended - the chili cooks down, so if you worry about cooking it down too much before it has a chance to really tenderize the meat, you might want a bit more liquid).
3 oz tequila -- if of legal age (1.5 for chili, 1.5 for drinking)
4-1/2 oz 3 oz blackstrap molasses
1 tablespoon Mexican oregano
2 tablespoons cumin
1/3 cup chili powder (to taste)
1 dash ginger
1 tspn white pepper - can be left out if you don't like it
1 dash nutmeg
1 tspn salt
1 tspn ground black pepper
1 tspn cayenne pepper
5 oz sliced fresh hot jalapeno peppers.
For the six-alarm version, also add a similar quantity (5 oz.) of sliced habanero peppers, be fugu fish careful when handling them. [Scooter's note: I suggest this, it makes it much better].

Directions:
Place beef in a large pot in the olive oil and cook low heat until browned. Add 3 oz tequila and stir -- if using the legal age variant, drink the other 1-1/2 oz tequila. Stir in garlic. Slowly add a mixture of the flour and chili powder, stirring constantly to blend in evenly. Add beer... stir. Add molasses... stir. Add cumin and oregano by rubbing them between the palms of your hands... stir. Add peppers and remaining spices... stir. Add all but one can (all but approx. 2 cups) beef broth, stirring. Bring to a slow boil for a 1/2 hour or so, stirring often, then lower heat and simmer for a while, stirring occasionally. Do not be worried if it sticks a bit to the bottom of the pan, just make sure to scrape those parts up when stirring (a wooden spoon is good for this)... those bits add flavor. At some point a couple of hours into the simmering when it's cooked away a good bit of broth, remove from heat and allow to come to room temperature, then place in fridge for a few hours until cold (if you are in a hurry, this step can be skipped, but I think it helps - [Scooter's note: hell no, eat it fresh, it's delicious and you won't want to wait - we were eating the test batch at 10 p.m. because we couldn't resist it]). Anytime within the next 12 hours after chilled, resume cooking over low heat. When nearly at chili-like consistency, add the remaining beef broth. Cook until at proper chili consistency again, and serve with rice [Scooter's note: the rice is optional, you can also serve it over beans if you like beans, or eat it plain].

Originally found at http://www.bluesnews.com/cgi-bin/articles.pl?show=105.