I Swear This is the Longest Meme in the World

When She Says says meme, I meme. However, I shall add context where necessary, because it's more fun when there's explanation. In my life, I have ….

(X) smoked a cigarette
 A few times. The most memorable was at an outdoor George Thorogood concert with Kyle after drinking most of a bottle of vodka while huddling in the shade.

(X) crashed a car
 Also with Kyle. Hey...I'm gonna ding you. Just like Chris Sells dings people. Isn't it funny how he dings people? But unlike him, I'm going to hold on to the steering wheel until you fly off the road into a large street light.

(X) got drunk with a good friend
 See #1. However, my favorite gettin' drunk time is probably a.) when we went to the strip club and Dan'l lost my expensive sweater vest at the strip club and Kyle ripped up his shoulder by diving off concrete stairs on the way back to my apartment or b.) When Dan'l tried to break into his own car with a screwdriver because we locked him out and took his keys and I ended up sitting on the big rock by the Monti bridge all night and ordering a Domino's pizza delivered to the rock while I waited for him to cross the choke point because he ran away from Maple Lake (saw a lot of people I knew that night - "Hey, Scooter, how's it going?" "Great, great." "Kinda late...nice rock?" "Very comfortable." "Ok...say 'hi' to your parents."

( ) stolen a car - no, but I have a second cousin I like who went to jail for just this offense.

(X) been in love
 Love my wife. Love my daughter. Love Tall Brad. But only because he looks at me in that special way. I should probably fess up to loving my first girlfriend, because she made me cry.

(X) been dumped
 See that last item...she made me cry. Generally I've done the dumping, or done the passive aggressive get dumped and make them think they initiated it move - but my first girlfriend dumped me solid. Come to think of it, my wife dumped me. Hey, honey. Remember how you told me you didn't want to date me while we sat on that picnic bench near the Mississippi River, horny bunnies fucking in the background. My Dad bought me put-it-together-yourself furniture the next weekend so I'd quit being so mopey. I rearranged my whole living room. I remember the black skirt you wore to Dwain's wedding to make up for it, but the bunnies, the scar they seared in my mind still aches.

() shoplifted - Hell no. Shoplifting is for young Korean female immigrants/adoptees, who are caught, chastised, and brought home by a good friend of their brother's to the surprise of said brother. "Umm...Hey Dave. What's up." "Scooter! This is your house? Is this your sister?" "Maybe...what'd she do?" "Shoplifted." "Something expensive?" "Naw, kid crap." "Yeah...we're related." "You should keep an eye on her." "That won't happen."

( ) been fired
 No...but I once stomped out because I quit. They increased my health care costs because I was the only one without a spouse. Bastards. I also quit by fax once, and was then asked to participate in an exit interview where the VP told me the internet was just a fad (one of my reasons for leaving - I wanted to do more work on internet-related projects) and I was a foo. He did own an airplane and I don't. So maybe in the grand scheme of things I am the foo.

(X) been in a fist fight- sort of. Kid in high school who always gave me shit. One day I decided I was done and threw him against a wall, pinning him about 24" off the ground. Drew quite a crowd. Probably didn't help that he picked on a Boy Scout (in uniform) earlier - that was a no-no - uniform day was no pick on the Boy Scouts day, even if they were dorks. Transgressions earned you some time with Bob and myself. I should have been in a fight at Gastof when someone kept brushing against my wife's breasts, but I wasn't around, so my friend Mike, all of 5'3" (?) apparently stuck up for her. That must have been hilarious.

(x) snuck out of my parent’s house - all my windows were ground level. I'd have done it more often if it weren't for my rational fear of bigfoot. I think the highpoint was just leaving and walking several miles to my friend Dan'l's house one day. My parents eventually phoned to figure out if I'd somehow managed to get there.

( ) been arrested
 Nope - just tickets, by deranged Malp Lake cops.

(x) gone on a blind date
 - yes, a girl from St. Kate's. She answered every question with the shortest, most factual answer she could...yes, no, 3, 1986. Then she invited me back to her dorm room. I was pretty good looking at the time and carrying most of the conversation. I also sort of kind of maybe I don't know went on a blind date with Ben's cousin. We'd exchanged letters, so maybe it wasn't entirely blind. And I think we decided we got along better as friends. We spent the one evening we were hanging out convincing Ben that the scraping noise he was hearing in his car was the bivalve located over the left front wheel well. He was heads down in his wheel well for a good hour or so.

(X) skipped school
 Constantly. School was boring. Kyle and I skipped to do most anything we could find to do. Some days were everyone went to the cities to shop days. There was just a wide variety, mostly involving notes from my mother I signed myself that she vouched for when the school called. I never got in trouble for skipping - but I did get in trouble whenever Kyle and I were caught skipping class and playing handball in the gym.

(/) seen someone die
 No, but - I have seen dead people from fairly close up after recent expiration. Near the Lake Street video store comes to mind.

(X) been to Canada
 You mean America's cap? I went to school at R.P.I. in Troy, NY. Canada was the fastest way to get there. We once avoided a run in with the Canadian law over a speed detector because the (female) border guard was hot for Dan'l tight 18 year old ass. Ah...if only he'd been wearing his red and white stripped short shorts, we'd have probably been handed bags of contraband.

(X) been to Mexico
 My parents live in Arizona - so we've been to the border and to Rocky Point. My daughter loved it. Here we are in December 2005, blogging after Mexico.

(X) been on a plane
 Are there people who don't go on planes? I don't think I'm on planes as much as I should be (in order to enjoy a vacation-rich, stress-free life). I'll be on a plane in two days.

(X) purposely set a part of myself on fire - yeah...grabbed a handful of lighter gas and set it afire. Unpurposely, I once set my Native American headdress on fire at an Order of the Arrow (Boy Scout) ceremony.

(X) eaten Sushi
 There are many posts on my blog about eating sushi. I love it.

(X) been skiing - In Minnesota, where my fond memory is of skiing with LissyJo and my friend Dan'l, while he was back from the first Gulf war. We went to the all evening skiing at Buck Hill, and he almost couldn't move when he boarded the plane. If you look carefully, I may still have a scar on my hip from wiping out one year. Also went with my friends to Michigan one year, which directly resulted in my decision to have Lasik.

( ) been moshing at a concert
 No...I don't think so. At least not officially.

(X) taken painkillers
 Aspirin. Advil. I took them to keep a toothache under control so long my dentist yelled at me for being an idiot.

(X) love someone or miss someone right now
 Yes...Eryn and Pooteewheet are gone :(

(X) lay on my back and watched cloud shapes go by
 They all look like phalluses.

(X) made a snow angel
 Long time ago.

(X) flown a kite
 Last year - with Dan'l and Conner. I remember flying those fat blow up ones when I was kid, the kind that had the warning "Don't fly if you're under 90 pounds." I also remember looking back to see if my kite was lifting off while I was at my grandparents' house in Montana, and hitting a tree so hard my grandmother heard it inside the trailer. Pretty much knocked myself out for a few seconds.

(X) built a sand castle
 Yep. White sand is the best.

(X) gone puddle jumping
 Sure, although usually on a three wheeler ATV. We used to whip through the corn fields hitting the tractor ruts that were full of green, muddy water. At least until my brother flipped the 200 cc ATV over and landed the rack square in the middle of his back affording him a trip to the hospital. Sort of put a damper on things.

(X) played dress up
 Used to dress up in a loin cloth and head dress for Scout ceremonies.

(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
 Because jumping into a pile of leavings would be gross.

(X) gone sledding
 With Kyle, Pooteewheet and Eryn just this January. Bounced on my nards a bit.

( ) cheated while playing a game
 That seems like a death sentence. Questioned the rules more than my share of times.

(X) been lonely
 Why the hell else would I meme?

(X) fallen asleep at work/school
 Yes - Roman History. I drank heavily the night before and then went to class because they were handing out the cheat sheet. The girl and boy behind me kept poking me everytime I nodded off and did the snap my neck I'm awake move. On the way home I bought a bag of roast beef sandwiches so I could foist them upon an also hung over Kyle.

() used a fake id
 Nope. Not really necessary. I'm 6'2" and have always looked a little older than I am.

(X) watched the sun set
 And rise.

(X) felt an earthquake
 No doubt. I was born in California under the auspices of Governor Ronald Reagan.

(X) touched a snake
 I once fell into a snake ball. You know...those winding, writhing, masses of mating snakes? Here - see the red garter mating ball on this page. That's exactly what I fell into. Climbed up a fence to run across the field to Kim Pullen's house, registered the snakes, tried to correct, bam, right into a ball of St. Michael horny garter snakes. Been disgusted with the things ever sense.

(X) slept beneath the stars
 I was a Boy Scout. I have my wilderness survival merit badge. I spent a weekend at Okpik, a National High Adventure Base in Ely, Minnesota. That's why I have a sleeping bag with a liner that's good to about 20 below zero.

(X) been tickled
 I trained myself not to be ticklish. I was. Now I ain't.

(x) been robbed
 Ditto, burgled. My family had their stereo stolen twice when we lived in Schnectady. Same guy - as soon as he got out of jail, he stole it again. Felt it was his because of the initial effort.

(X) been misunderstood
 - Yep. Ask Pootewheet about "Across the trail". I was also once called a game fascist for my critique of a friend's game. I'm pretty sure that was a misunderstanding. In general, I'm not a feeling guy, so misunderstandings are a given.

(X) pet a goat - MN Scottish Festival and the State Fair. I also had friends with goats in high school - no shortage.

(x) won a contest
 Yep...I have some ribbons upstairs somewhere. Boy Scouts do lots of contests - Winter Sled Races, etc.

(x) run a red light
 Though not on purpose.

( ) been suspended from school
 Told to stop playing handball and go back to my room. Chris Sells (mentioned above) was a good friend of mine, and if I'd been at the math event he was at, I would have been suspended with him for kidnapping Dwain in the school van. Fate kept me out of that one.

(X) been in a car accident - isn't "crashed a car" the same? Doesn't matter - yes, very soon after my license. I was between two cars in the Methodist Church parking lot and someone backed right into me. There was literally no where to go - cars within 1' of me in all directions.

( ) had braces
 I lived in one of the very first places in the U.S. to use fluoride. That's doesn't obviate the need for braces, but it helps.

(X) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
 Just a pint? Does anyone remember Bridgeman's, where you used to get the enormous bowl of ice cream for your birthday? I swear it was like 31 scoops. Ate it.

(X) had deja vu
 I once, while riding with my mother to work in the Twin Cities, suddenly remembered that I'd had a dream where her coffee had poured into her lap, she'd gone out of control, and we'd crashed and died. I stuck out my hand and the coffee cup fell right into it.

() danced in the moonlight
 Perhaps you mean "fishin in the dark"? No. Wait...I once did a strip tease in front of campfire after exiting from a defunct playground rocket. Close enough?

(X) liked the way I look
 Although I used to look better.

(x) witnessed a crime
 Had the bright, shiny, silver gun actually kicked under my car. At which point the cop gave me a stern look and dared me to drive away while he was fetching the firearm. I also was present at Wu's when a bag of money was stolen. The cops came and questioned us and I couldn't remember either a.) how many people there were or b.) what color they were. Ming was amused.

(X) questioned my heart
 Yes. It has an arrhythmia. At least it used to.

( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
 Only in the context of putting them on my own little story/job board at work.

(X) squished barefoot through the mud
 Once had to walk back to the farm because my grandpa, dad and uncle got the truck stuck to the side boards in the mud.

() been lost
 No. I can always figure out where I am. This is a skill men have. Acknowledge it and fear it. It's like we have an internal GPS.

(X) been to the opposite side of the country
 What the hell is the opposite of Minnesota? Wisconsin? Iowa? The Dakotas? Sure. All of them. If you mean the east or west coast. I've been to those as well.

(X) swum in the ocean
 Gulf. East coast. West coast.

(x) felt like dying
 Good lord - back when I was about 12. It was probably allergies or hormones.

() cried myself to sleep
 If I'm going to cry, I'm going to stay awake and inflict my sadness upon others.

(X) played cops and robbers
 We played a game in Boy Scouts that was like Capture the Flag, except it involved aluminum cans and was called "Smuggle the Drugs". The parents hated it. It was more like DEA agents and drug runners, but close enough.

(x) recently colored with crayons
 I have a young kid. I colored yesterday.

() sung karaoke


(x) paid for a meal with only coins
 Legal tender, baby.

() done something I told myself I wouldn’t
 I don't really have limitations I'd break that I wasn't willing to break initially, so they weren't limitations in the first place.

(X) made prank phone calls


() laughed until some kind of beverage came out of my nose


(X) caught a snowflake on my tongue


(X) danced in the rain
 One of the first song's Eryn knew.

( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
 My parents might disagree - I just don't remember.

(X) been kissed under a mistletoe
 Yeah...but who cares unless she's on her knees. Wait...what? No...I would never ask Pooteewheet to do that under the mistletoe at Christmas. I wouldn't ask...

( ) watched the sun rise with someone I care about
 Does it count if I watched it with myself?

(X) blown bubbles
 I have a young daughter.

(X) made a bonfire on the beach


(x) crashed a party
 Many - although they weren't generally "closed" per se.

(X) gone roller-skating
 Whoa - the snowball was a big thing in Monticello.

(X) had a wish come true
 If you're a good friend of mine, I might some day tell you about the wish I was granted by an evil spirit. Serious.

() worn pearls
 Wow. Is this so wrong. Is this a Pearl Necklace song sort of question? Then absolutely not. I have never worn a pearl necklace.

(x) jumped off a bridge
 I have also peed off one, with the intention to hit the water before I was done peeing.

( ) ate dog/cat food


( ) told a complete stranger I loved them
'

( ) kissed a mirror


(x) sung in the shower
 I sing all the time.

(X) had a dream that I married someone
 And then immediately dumped the person I had the dream about.

() glued my hand to something

( ) got my tongue stuck to a flag pole

( ) kissed a fish

(X) sat on a roof top
 Used to sit on the rooftop at my parents' house all the time. Also sat on Joey's shed.

() screamed at the top of my lungs
 I'm never that frustrated with anything. The world adjusts.

( ) done a one-handed cartwheel


() talked on the phone for more than 6 hours


(X) stayed up all night
 - Boy Scout lock ins, among other things. Sounds sinister, but it generally involved watching Apocalypse Now and Brazil until 7:00 a.m.

( ) didn’t take a shower for a week


(X) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
 Many apple orchards in my home town.

(X) climbed a tree
 In my front yard was a bass tree like 60' high. We used to climb to the very tip top where it wasn't even certain it would support your weight. I don't think my parents approved. I'm pretty sure they didn't approve when my brother was climbing the tree and I threw charcoal briquettes at him. I also climbed a tree once and had a HUGE spider drop out of the tree in front of my face - fell right on my back.

(X) had a tree house
 My Dad was great - when we didn't have enough trees he built us a tree house with two wooden poles to compensate. In Oregon, we had a playhouse that was like a treehouse, but no trees.

( ) been scared to watch scary movies alone
 I LOVE scary movies.

(x) believe in ghosts
 Now that my niece has seen the dead potato boy. I also had a girlfriend in high school who lived in a very old house and I used to hear something walk down the steps. She said when it was nightime, the footsteps would go down the stairs, and walk into the corner windowed area.

() have more then 30 pairs of shoes
 In a lifetime....yes.

( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say


(x) gone streaking
 My best man toast for my friend Dan'l and his wife CookieQueen was about how he and I had gone streaking on a biking trip and she'd caught us (and our friends), and that was how she'd picked out her future husband. Also gone skinny dipping at Boy Scout camp at the Huck Finn Adventure Area - way less gay then it sounds. There were Swedish Scouts nearby, and they don't limit to just boys.

(X) gone doorbell ditching
 Van Erps in Monticello. I know he knows it was me and Kyle.

(x) played chicken
 Although more often we played Klingons and zapped cops with our headlights.

() jumped into a pool/hot tub/lake with all my clothes on
 Why? Just get naked.

(x) been told I’m hot by a complete stranger
 I guess - she gave me her number and told me she wanted to (blank) me. Settle down Pooteewheet, it wasn't last week.

(x) broken a bone
 Got run off the road while on my bike by a car. The drive yelled "You ok?" and then took off. The doc said it wasn't busted, but while having a greased watermelon fight at Scout Camp (just like it sounds), it was bent and hurt like hell. After camp, my parents told me the doc had called back to say it was broken.

(X) been easily amused
 Heck, by myself, all the time.

(x) caught a fish then ate it
 Worked on my fishing merit badge. Except it was at Fort A.P. Hill Virgina and it might have contained PCBs.

(X) caught a butterfly
 So pretty - must preserve it by killing it.

(X) laughed so hard I cried


( ) cried so hard I laughed


() cheated on a test

( ) owned a Britney Spears CD
 Fuck no. But Kyle bought me a Madonna CD, and she kissed Britney Spears - so by proxy or STD.

(X) forgotten someone’s name
 I am horrible with names. Beyond horrible. I have tricksey ways to try and remember them.

() French-braided someone’s hair


(x) gone skinny dipping in a pool
 Yes. In Monticello. Rather risque - it was a senior's house and I was a sophomore. Also in a lake.

( ) been threatened to be kicked out of my house
 Not in earnestness.

( ) been kicked out my house


() had a fantasy over someone I love as a good friend?

() sun-tanned naked


( ) ran naked in the rain

to which, She Says added…

() crossed the Equator
() lied to someone I loved
() lied to myself
( ) bought new clothes rather than do the laundry
(X) left dirty dishes in the sink until they started to smell/mold
() hidden dirty dishes under my bed
() had ice cream for breakfast
(x) called in sick when I wasn't
() snooped into my roommate’s/friend’s stuff
(x) kept a diary
(x) filled out a credit card application just because I wanted the freebie they were giving away
(x) learned a foreign language
(x) gone without shaving (face, legs, whatever) for more than a month
(x) had surgery- stomach, it was upside down at birth. Forehead, to remove a birthmark.
( ) dated someone more than ten years older/younger than I am
(X) driven in a foreign country
(X) slept-in past 2:00 pm - only when sick.
() faked an important something to get off a phone call or out of a date
() pierced my own body part

To which I am adding:
(x) Biked at least 100 miles in a day
() Turned 40 - HA!
(x) Forged a signature on something

Dirty Little Secret

Pooteewheet broke a blog silence of four months to out me for laughing at Blades of Glory. This sort of public outing never embarrasses me because there is always something worse that I can own up to (except maybe that time she told Nidhi about how I had a thing for exotic women in front of a campfire surrounded by coworkers. That's sort of difficult to explain to your exotic cube neighbor). So, in the spirit of making sure no one can claim they've explored my limits, tonight I set down the latest Palahniuk novel so I could instead enjoy the most recent episode of Rock of Love 2. It could be argued Palahniuk is the more fucked up option of those two choices, but you can be sure I have a closeted third choice that hasn't been revealed.

I Want You All to be My Cacheplan

I've been looking at caches in Rochester, NY to find while I'm there. One of them, a subway cache, has the following warning...

Due to the nature of this cache, it should NOT be done alone. You should leave a cacheplan with someone detailing where you will be. You will need a dependable flashlight/headlamp, and should bring a backup light for safety. This is a dark, secluded area, and there may be unknown people here, so be careful!!!!

You're all my cacheplan. If I don't come back - tell the authorities my body is somewhere in the Rochester subway.

Urinal Cache

Not to be confused with a urinal cake. I went geocaching with my friend, The Boss, yesterday. We went down by the Mississippi River and Hwy 5 to find five along the river. We looked for six, but one of them was well hidden, and with the just-above-freezing weather, the slope out of the river valley was a muddy, snowy, slippery mess. My muscles hurt all day today from trying to climb up and down the bank, grabbing at trees to pull myself up areas that were too slick to just walk up.

But I must clarify. The Boss and I found five caches together. I found one extra. I did it in the time between when he stopped to tell me he was going home and when he came back for me at work. He left me a mystery cache to solve - in the building! I'm very impressed with myself. After all, I managed to home in on the thing even with four stories of cement between the satellites and my gps unit. To put it in perspective, later we had trouble with a bit of overcast, some tree branches and a slope. I was truly amused with his choice of location. What I can't understand is why he used the plasticware he brings his cereal to work in every morning. But you know - whatever flushes your reservoir. Here you can see I popped it open to sign the log, "NodToNothing was here!" Those automatic flushers are a real nuisance!

Erik said that my geocaching skills were sinister, which was a nice compliment. Although it is somewhat obvious, given that's my left hand in the picture. I was going to tell The Boss about my find right away, before he had a few breakfasts in his reclaimed cache container, but I figured he knew, as I gave him back the breakfastware almost immediately. I'm sure his thanks were his way of expressing gratitude that his test of my caching skills meant I'd be instrumental in our next several finds.

I haven't found a place to log my find on geocaching.com. Perhaps he hasn't registered the cache yet. Boss, if you do, I suggest titling it "Breakfast of Champions." An alternate could be "Don't Forget to Wash Your Hands."

My Niece Can See Dead People

My niece can see dead people. Given how much Blair Witch freaked out my sister, I don't think she'll take any comfort in how I try to provide some scientific validity to my niece's claim.

Naughty Girl - Giddyup

Hey! Apparently working in Scotland is almost like riding my company elevator!

"Mrs Middleton told investigators she was making her way to the chamber and apologised to the provost for being tardy before asking Mrs Leslie Melville if she could wait a moment to allow her to get a drink of water from a nearby cooler.

In his findings, Mr Allan said Mrs Middleton alleged Mrs Leslie Melville slapped her on the behind twice and called her a “naughty girl”."

Apparently the English phrase "gee-up" in the context of this story is the equivalent of "giddy up" here in the states. It's something you say to make a horse go faster. So, in this context, it's something you say to provoke someone (i.e. encourage or incite).

Bad Aim

There can be no doubt about it. I am very bad at the Apple Shooter flash game. I'm just glad I'm the guy with the bow, and not the guy with the arrow embedded in his crotch.

U.S. Warfare...told with Food

I don't think my friends are properly surfing the net, because almost 2 million people have watched this so far, and not a single one of them forwarded it to me. I think it may reaffirm for Mean Mr. Mustard that he's working on removing meat from his diet.

Fountain Duck

I was startled to find that the company store was selling rubber ducks. Not multiple kinds, just one kind, but one kind that does absolutely everything...including SPURTING. Eww... That's sort of disgusting - particularly given the graphic. But my mother collects rubber ducks, and if she wants a rubber duck that according to the packaging may have some sort of premature ejaculation problem well, she's old, I'll humor her. Unfortunately, my daughter is extremely jealous of my mother's duck collection and has been loudly pondering whether my mom might have some other duplicate ducks lying about. So I caved and bought two Spurting Fountain Ducks,one for each of them. It's a big hit, but I'd hate to try to relax in a tub full of the things.


Here it is in action..

No Swimming

This is what passes for humor in Minnesota. Remember...no swimming.

Willy Wonka

I'm pleased that Klund invited us to the community production of Willy Wonka and not Wonka's Willy. I was worried - he has a strange sense of humor. The St. Peter production of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was wonderful, and Eryn enjoyed it immensely. I did too - but I note Eryn's enjoyment because she was on the edge of her seat for almost the whole play. We've been worried she won't behave if we take her someplace like the Minneapolis Children's Theater - but those worries may be past. So here are a dozen pictures and even a few videos, because I don't want to disappoint Mean Mr. Mustard, who's latest post is about how the rest of us haven't yet blogged photos.

My wife took a lot more photos of our kid than the other kids. I guess that's just normal. But we have a lot more video of the other kids and the play than we do of Eryn. What's not so normal is that fully 50% of the pictures seem to be from the line before we got into the play.

Here I am, providing pre-play entertainment by giving rides to Kelson and Eli. The next day Klund gave kids rides by lifting them by their ears. I wonder if they fondly remembered my less-painful version.


Milena and Eryn trying to push me over onto my butt. I think my sense of balance is going away as I get older.


'Cause I've got a green ticket! 'Cause I've got a green ticket! I've got a green chance to make my way. And with a green ticket, it's a green day!


Emma spent the whole weekend avoiding our camera. At breakfast I tried to take a few, and each time she was gone before I could get the lens focused. Unfortunately for her, she was slightly less successful than Mr. Mustard, and I managed to grab half a picture of the back of her. I include it here so I can say I was successful. I think Mr. Mustard is avoiding my camera ever since the whole LOLMustard incident.


Willy Wonka telling Mary all about how he had to put down an Oompa Loompa before the show. Recommendation #1: Klund and Tall Brad should have starred as Oompa Loompas. Recommendation #2: the Oompa Loompas should have come running out wearing squirrel ears during the Veruca Salt scene and attacked her. My imagination isn't so good - I need visuals.


Who can take the sunshine, and sprinkle it with dew, hug a pregnant lady and a child or two? The candy man. The candy man can!


Deciding whether the birds in the yard behind the breakfast buffet were red wing blackbirds or turkeys. What's that one? A turkey. That one? A turkey. How about that one? Squirrel. That one? A male turkey, a tom. That one? Turkey.


So many birds to see in the book that aren't out the window.


Yum. Chocolate for breakfast. Charlie (aka Koleman) put Eryn's chocolate consumption to shame. He had a piece of cake, in pudding, with some chocolate sauce, and I think there was some other sort of chocolate-based dessert, all mixed together. Later, when he came down off the sugar high, he noted he was tired.


Hey. Who did you get pregnant? You know who I got pregnant? Oh yeah. I got someone pregnant. Someone right here in this full season porch. No less than six feet from TallBrad Ground Zero. Guess who. No, not you. But someone. Look at my face. You know this is the face of a guy who could knock someone up, the face of a guy who knows he knocked someone up. I'm going to be a baby daddy, and everyone will know it, because I'll be looking at them like this, with this look, and they'll think, "That guy either wants to get me pregnant, or he got someone else pregnant." And they'll be looking around, thinking everyone is pregnant, because I'll just keep looking at them like this with my sly I'm a Daddy-to-be look. Come on. Guess. Guess who it is.


And now...moving pictures! Where we finally get some pictures of the elusive Koleman/Charlie.
Ring Around the Rosie. I had two videos for this one. In one, Eryn is showing so much butt crack it's probably illegal in some states, like Louisiana or Pine Lawn, MO.


Ooompa Loompas celebrating the possible demise of Augustus Gloop, the great big greedy nincompoop.


Chocolate River. During the play, they pumped 50,000 gallons of melted chocolate through the audience to simulate what it was like to be Augustus. The Violet Beauregard scene involved blue food dye and air pumps - we've all agreed never to talk about it.


Introduction - Welcome to the Factory. Near the end, you'll hear a crazy laugh. That's Eryn - she has a Nelson Muntz-esque laugh going at the moment. Reminds me of a girl I wanted to date in high school who would laugh in the movie theater and everyone would go, "Hey, Kim's here."


Grandparents. Klund played Willy Wonka andone of the grandparents. There just aren't that many people in St. Peter.

Pearly Gates of St. Peter

We took a lot of pictures this weekend, and I'm exhausted from a late night of Wii bowling, so I think I'll have to blog in a few pieces. The summation is that we went down to St. Peter to visit the Klunds at the same time as the Tall Bradses and 2/3 of the Mean Mr. Mustardishes. Seven adults (not including Wii-obsessed grandparents who showed up on the second day) and six-plus children. We went to see Klund Sr. and Klund Jr. (but not junior-est) staring in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the local children's theater, have some dinner, play some Wii, drink some beer, eat some mint chocolate cake, and then hang out for a breakfast buffet in the morning.

I'll be going backwards here and blogging some pictures of St. Peter's Pearly Gates first, partially because I already blogged a picture of me on a rock near the gates. Klund pointed out that the gates aren't really in the middle of a swamp, but Mrs. Klund pointed out that they are rusty, and that annoys some of the locals.

Here's my beautiful family. Dead after an exhausting night of Wii that ended in multiple coronaries. Well...maybe Eryn's problem was falling off the rope ladder or being scared by the youngest Klund's spooky faces as she slept in the top bunk. It's difficult to determine the exact causes because we've moved beyond the need for physical bodies. But not walking sticks. I think even Dante and Virgil used walking sticks in Purgatorio.


Unfortunately, Heaven doesn't have one of those automatic cameras, like on the roller coasters at the Mall of America, so we had to take turns taking pictures.


OH NO! What's this! Heaven is locked to us. Sinners! We're so bad St. Peter doesn't even come out to deny us himself, he just threw a chain on the gates and went out for breakfast. I can only assume I'm in trouble for vanity, given that last photo of me on the rock. Eryn seems too young to have sinned so grievously, but perhaps excessive candy consumption is on the new short list. We all know Pooteewheet's sin of choice. Don't we?


Exiled from Heaven, we traversed the fiery rocks of Hell. I know. Hell looks a lot more fun than one would suspect, and the rocks much less fiery. And that bridge in the background is an upgrade, because Charon was about due for retirement, which really eliminates some of the terror of boating over a river full of lost souls. But times change. Only moments later all those trees were on fire. They can only light them up for a few minutes each day. Oil prices being over $100 a barrel and all.


Remember how Jesus came down to Hell, gave the place a good tossing, and released a number of questionable, borderline sinners? Bet you didn't know he does it in a Mustang convertible. I believe Kyle could pull this off in his Mustang, now that he's got turn of the (first) century hair. We didn't see Satan's Diablo around. I suspect he was at the St. Peter coop making sandwiches.


Yep. Jesus gives you a ride in his Mustang, and you're in. No questions asked. Here's the view from inside Heaven after he dropped us off. He did make us chip in for gas. Don't think you can just walk around the outside of the gates. Mystical forces constrain the unworthy. Yea, they are cast out and forced to visit Satan at the coop and eat his infernal sandwiches, or to work at Hell's woolery, conveniently located across the street. Hope you're all good and I'll see you soon.

St. Scooter, Patron Saint of...Sexiness

If you were traveling through St. Peter, Minnesota, today, hoping to catch a glimpse of the pearly gates, you might have instead been subjected to the following scene. I'll blog a bit more about the weekend later, but I felt it was important to get this out there in case I get hung up and don't otherwise get a chance to haunt your dreams. Remember, the photo comes in extra large as well.

Ut oh...

I believe it's necessary to put this out there. To concretely verify that I was in no way anywhere near her despite what some people may view to be an obsession. At least if only to comfort my wife and reassure Christy that I'm not that fixated to the point of stalking. Contrary to rumor and despite "Driver didn't reveal the name of the father", I did not get Minnie Driver pregnant (I don't deny I may have wanted to, but I didn't).

Politics and Postpourri

So...the government (and JP Morgan) is bailing out an investment company (Bear Stearns) that is having financial problems, in part, because The Carlyle Group is defaulting on 16.6 billion in loans because of the subprime crisis. Seriously - couldn't we have just given the Bushes and their friends fifty billion or so to go away eight years ago? Wouldn't that have been significantly cheaper than this mess? I guess 50 billion would have been chump change for them considering Carlyle is indirectly getting a bail out from the government, the ailing beef companies (there are cattle in Texas, aren't there?) are getting a Brazilian buy out (alt - audio, NPR) because of the declining U.S. dollar, and oil prices are up, benefiting states with oil. The duplex I own with my brother lost almost $45,000 in value this year according to the piece of paper I got from Richfield today - directly attributable to some of this mess. With the declining dollar, I can't even sell it and move abroad. At least Richfield is increasing my taxes to make up for some of that loss the city incurs from all those problems.

I'm going to discuss cheerier things. MNSpeak had this link to a very funny scat-related Weebl's. Hilarious. Puts a smile back on my face just thinking about it.

Adam had a link to this funny CTRL/ESC nerd art. Looks like a t-shirt design from Threadless.

Pooteewheet and I went to see the movie Doomsday today so I could escape the endless crush of email. I can't say I recommend it, although it had a few moments. My favorite is that all the government heroes walk around with the initials for the Domestic Defense Squad, or something like that, on their hats. Yep...DDS. Bunch of dentists. Klund's wife can go and feel like a Scottish post-apocalyptic hero.

Mean Mr. Mustard told me about a book he'd read that has convinced him to drastically decrease his meat consumption. So I went looking for it at Amazon. The first thing I found was this quote below. Someone wrote a book where there's a group of characters named "The Secretum". And the reviewer feels comfortable using a phrase about playing into their hands. Seriously? Ish. I'm embarrassed I'm not published. Particularly as Secretum of the questionable hands may be based on a character from my place of work. I assume Mr. Mustard meant this book instead of book 2 of the Dominion Trilogy.

Fearless (Dominion Trilogy #2) (Hardcover)

Disasters, one after the other, rake the globe. As events spiral out of control, the citizens in LA begin to turn on each other. Fed by fear of the unknown, the people turn on each other and their city. Grant Borrows and the rest of the Loci-former normal people who have shifted into new identities complete with superpowers-have their hands full trying to save LA from self destructing. Everyone from the mayor on down hails Grant as a hero.

But not everyone is pleased with his actions. In Washington, D.C. the powers that be are determined to capture Grant. Unsure of Grant's motives and leery of his power, he's determined to be a threat to national security and one of the FBI's best is assigned to bring him in. But as Special Agent Ethan Cooke gets to know his prey, he's sees Grant in a new light.

Governments aren't the only powerful organizations interested in Grant. The Secretum of Six, the ones responsible for the Shifts, are sure Grant is the Bringer, spoken of in ancient prophecy.

But Grant has determined he alone is in control of his destiny. But is he? Or, in his determination to set is own path, has he really played into the Secretum's hands, setting off the catastrophes that plague the world?

Perhaps We Have a Drinking Problem

So many weeks ago, I was at the liquor store finding beer for gaming days and poker nights, and I hauled Eryn along so I didn't have to make a second trip out but could just stop after school. We found the beer just fine, and then I noted that I should buy Pooteewheet a bottle of vodka. We went over to the vodka shelves and I poked around, trying to remember what it was that my wife prefers. I remarked out loud that I just couldn't remember, and we were about to walk away, when Eryn said, "It starts with something like...um...."

The guy near us got a smile.

Then she added, "An s. It starts with an s."

Bigger smile.

"It's blue, Dad. Mom drinks the vodka in the blue bottle."

He was laughing silently.

"That one! Skyy. Mom drinks Skyy."

He was laughing openly. I remarked that my wife didn't drink quite THAT much, not pointing out that it was probably me who drank her last bottle, and he concurred that he liked Skyy vodka too.


Move forward a few weeks. I'm single parenting for a few hours and Eryn says, "Dad, I want something to drink."

"Sure honey, what do you want."

"The kids stuff. You know."

"No....what?"

"Kids....vodka. I want the kids vodka."

I pointed out that there was no kids vodka. And if there was, it would be in poor taste. Then I explained that I didn't mean it would necessarily taste bad, but that I meant it wouldn't be funny or a good advertising campaign or product. Then I stressed that I really doubted it existed, and even if it did, we wouldn't allow it in the house.

She shrugged and told me it was pretty sure it was in a green bottle, although we couldn't find it. Apparently she was looking for the kids' champagne that was left over from New Year's - all fizzy and pears I believe, not a drop of alcohol in it.


Then yesterday, I gave her a Target-brand ginger beer and she yelled upstairs in a tattle-tale voice, "Mom, Dad's giving me a beer!"


I think I need to start scratching the labels off of things and putting them in different bottles so Eryn isn't associating what she drinks with alcohol. Then again, after ginger beer and pear faux-champagne, maybe her first bitter taste of beer will shock her into teetotaling (I know...I know...).

How To Train Your Dragon

Eryn and I finished How to Train Your Dragon (Heroic Misadventures of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III) tonight. I was a little worried about the level of story because, although she can probably read the book herself, she's still a little girl and anything that's about Vikings and Dragons is bound to involve quite a bit of fighting and blood. And it did. Small dragons (my favorite is Horrorcow, who's a vegetarian). Big dragons. A nemesis much in the spirit of Harry Potter (like Falco, not Voldemort), which Jen is reading to Eryn at the moment. And lots of blustery, talk. But Eryn took it all in stride and enjoyed it, clearly concerned when there was a harrowing part. I think the best thing was that when we got to a few parts where Cressida Cowell used words like "gobsmackingly", Eryn recognized them as being very much like Roald Dahl's language. So she's starting to draw the conclusion that books have things in common other than individual words.

We both recommend it and, as it's part of a series, we'll probably move on to How To Be a Pirate next, which will be a nice segue to Not One Damsel in Distress, which Auntie Cookiequeen gave her a long time ago, because Jane Yolen has stories about female pirates.

Geofairy

Apparently, the Tooth Fairy is aware of just how much Eryn likes geocaching. When she checked under her pillow this morning - having had to wait a day because yesterday was spent at the Mall of America waterpark with Grandpa and Grandma - it was like her tooth had grown bigger overnight.


Did the Tooth Fairy forget her keychain? How did she drive the Toothmobile home without her keys? Why the hell did she leave a big plastic tooth?


Ah...it's attached to a geobug. Dogtags that have a unique id on them that you can track from cache to cache across the world using Google Earth. It's a Tooth Fairy geobug! It will need a goal like making it to the Tooth Fairy's house, or the home town of Guy de Chauliac, inventor of the dental pelican. Maybe it will have to begin it's journey in St. Peter next week, as we'll be visiting a dentist and her family.


Ew...it has a cavity. A cavity full of money. That must be how Klund's wife makes her living, working for the money she finds stashed in people's mouths.


Grand total, a geobugged tooth, a silver dollar and a gold dollar.

Snaggletooth-less

Our little snaggletooth...


...less. That wobbly thing is finally out of her mouth. Her teacher can look directly at her once against without feeling queasy.


We haven't told her they don't grow back. Although I did tell her if she tries to trick the tooth fairy, as she was planning to do before the tooth came out, the usual results are a.) the tooth fairy takes all of your teeth, not just the fake one you put under the pillow, b.) the tooth fairy inserts lots of extra teeth, like 40 more, and not just in your mouth, c.) the tooth fairy uses the teeth she's collected so far that night to leave bite marks all over you. Don't mess with the tooth fairy.

To Be Subjected to Crap, Or Not...That Is the Question

Or maybe the question is whether it's better to read and watch t.v. at all, or to suffer the slings of cultural isolation and be spared so much suckitude.

Books first. Dark Delicacies: Orginal Tales of Terror and the Macabre By the World's Greatest Horror Writers is something no one should read, at least not if the intention is either a.) to read something scary or b.) read something well written. It was terrifying in ways I'm sure the editors, Del Howison and Jeff Gelb, didn't intend. Self-serving. Poorly written. Not a particularly cohesive selection of stories unless they were meant to be self-serving and poorly written. I could add immature and without much in the way of original ideas, but those feed point a.) and b.). I feel that way about Dark Delicacies despite selections by Ray Bradbury, Ramsey Campbell, Brian Lumley and some other notables. There's just nothing memorable in this book, and I can say that having read Clive Barker's "Haeckel's Tale" not just in this collection, but another. At least it was memorable enough that I realized I shouldn't be reading it twice.

Eclipse One, on the other eyeball, has been very enjoyable. Not every story is good, but the book starts with the startling in Andy Duncan's "Unique Chicken Goes in Reverse", where a young girl challenges a priest's beliefs by worshiping a frizzled chicken as Jesus Christ, and progresses into some inspired story telling, particularly Peter S. Beagle's "The Last and Only or, Mr. Moscowitz Becomes French". I don't want to ruin it for anyone, but Beagle does a superb job of taking a premise and really building on it, and going beyond where you think he's going. Johnathan Strahan, the editor, clearly has an order in mind as he moves from this strangely psychological tale on a national level, to Maureen F. McHugh's "The Lost Boy: A Reporter at Large" which focuses on dissociation at a personal, PTSD level, to Jeffrey Ford's "The Drowned Life", which although not particularly solid on its own, fits into that troika by merging the psyche with the fantastic. Which positions Strahan to segue into three tales that take place more within the realm of magic and fantasy, one involving a pointy-hat wearing bigfoot who seduces Maury Povich.

While biking, I've been streaming Netflix, and I have similarly been presented with two ends of the spectrum. In a reverse of above, Dexter (not to be confused with Dexter's Laboratory), about a crime solving serial killer has been incredibly enjoyable. Part CSI, part soap opera, part slasher flick, the interplay between Dexter and the other - unseen - major character is engaging, despite how disturbing it should be. Dexter's attempt to interact with all the people who should be his friends and family and are opaque to him is a nice foil to how he interacts with someone who's just like him. My favorite quote so far was in the episode after his girlfriend dressed up like Lara Croft, "She wants something from me. Ever since the blowjob she assumes we've taken it to the next level. She doesn't know I don't have a next level." But in his own way, Dexter does, and he finds a very peculiar source of relationship advice.

My enjoyment of Dexter is an inverse of my opinion of the canceled series Surface. A semi-rip off of War With the Newts would seem a perfect fit for my SciFi channel tastes, but there are issues I couldn't get beyond. I list them, because it's more effort than Surface is worth to put ceremony around them.

• The critters are supposed to be big - in the neighborhood of 200' - but they show one of them swallowing a very large motorized boat. I don't believe a creature, even one two and a half times the size of a Blue Whale, could swallow a deep sea fishing boat without choking. And what about the passenger plane they knock out of the sky? I thought their electrical range was 2 miles? But they clearly state the plane is at 24,000 feet, and when it crashes into the ocean, it's a sliver of the size of one of the monsters. Nice one.
  
• I do not believe you could lower your homemade submersible to over 4500' feet without it leaking profusely and you drowning.
• Just because you have a Doctor of Oceanography does not make you an engineer, certainly not an engineer that can turn a rusty oil tank into a bathysphere ala Junkyard Wars.
• Hiding the face of the primary "bad guy" isn't suspenseful, it's just sloppy writing, and I can experience that level of suspense at any time by watching reruns of Charlie's Angels.
• While I applaud any excuse a pretty girl might come up with to strip down to her bra and panties, I fail to see how doing so and rubbing chainsaw grease all over oneself is in any way preparation for swimming what looks to be two miles across a cold bay.
• Rich kids who are more concerned about their monster pets than the lives of others are assholes. We have insensitive people like you in Minnesota, you dick. They're why we have water milfoil in all our lakes.
• If you're going to have a big map showing all the spots there have been monster sightings, you shouldn't be missing some that have already been in the story arc.
• Do not hire the guy who does the faux-suspense voice overs on movie trailers to be your top-of-the-show recap voice. I frequently wanted to turn off the episode before it had even started. "A boy...his monster...hidden in mystery..."
  
• If there are thousands and thousands of monsters and baby monsters in the ocean, and they're all swimming up to power lines and bays and docks and laying eggs, and any idiot teen in a row boat can find a seaful of eggs, and any oceanographer with a few hours can actually tag a 200' specimen with a GPS - how difficult is it for a scientist to find one?
• Why would a famous and supposedly dead archaeologist/naturalist - maybe he's a cryptozoologist, have a personal effects room at his university library that doesn't have books about archeology and naturalism, but instead has hundreds of copies of Westlaw Reporters?
• If a teen was given juve and made to do roadside cleanup with a cleanup crew of other teens, and his hot sister showed up, would juve delinquents really pay absolutely no attention to her, focusing instead upon their trash-picking duties?
  
• I don't care if you are 200' long and eat boats - I'm pretty sure you can't swim 160 miles per hour...in lava. And if you can swim 160 miles per hour, why do you swim so damn slow when you're near an oil rig?
  
• If your monstrous skin is laser-proof, why isn't it spear gun or gps-tagging proof?
• If a trawler is in a bad storm, the trawler should bounce up and down a bit.
• Your heroes shouldn't leave their children for extended lengths of time. They don't really seem like heroes at that point, even if they are right about the monsters.
• Don't throw Pakuni in your show unless you build some sort of context around their presence. You may be planning to use them in a later episode, but hey...your series might be canceled because no one watches your show, because you didn't care enough about your writing to give anything a fucking context.
  

Random Presents

My mother sent Eryn a package with a new set of pajamas and a sparkly star wand. When she got me on the phone I asked why she'd also sent me a load of trash. She insisted she hadn't, and that it had probably been my father. But apparently it wasn't him either. Instead, she theorizes that when she handed the box to the packaging place unopened, they took the opportunity to insert a few bonus items: a Federal employee almanac, a cable/dish splitter, beads, a magnet, a broken cell phone (unpictured, although I removed the lithium battery so it can be disposed of properly, and that's pictured), two solar curtains, a hair net, a dead printer cartridge, The Cure for Soul Fatigue (if you're busy and tired of working FOR the Lord - Amazon), and a Tweeze with Cream set that includes a container of ingrown hair remover and electric tweezers, sans batteries. I assume my mother ended up paying to ship me all this crap, which will surely come in handy if I have to seal myself in my house with duct tape because of a national emergency and there's no power, resulting in a bushy beard and head, no heat, and a questioning of why I'm stuck inside and which federal employee I should blame for my woes.

Geocaching Rosemount

Yesterday seemed like it would have been a nicer day to go geocaching, but we didn't get a chance as I had poker in the evening. I think I lost my spot in the final tournament, but I put in a good faith effort and my big losses were on a big slick and pair of 10s on a small table. Eh. It helps to not be a particularly competitive sort.

So today, after gymnastics, Eryn, grandpa, grandma and myself when in search of a few caches to give grandma and grandpa a taste of what we're always up to. We hit a small park (Ericksen I believe) in Rosemount where grandpa found his very first cache, and grandma ended up with a lot of sticks in her hair.

I think the perspective is funny in this picture, because that's a peanut butter jar, and my hand looks like it could swallow it. The last visitor at the cache was Juggle87, who just happens to be a coworker of mine. So that was a fun find.


On our way to that last cache, we walked past this tree which I pointed out to my mother in law with the comment that it looked like a perfect place to hide a cache. So after we found the last one, and told the GPS to home in on #2, it led us right back to the tree...


...and a micro concealed in a branch. Once there are enough caches in the neighborhood, I'll just stop carrying a GPS with me at all and just examine stumps until I find caches.