Saturday, September 10, 2005

If it weren't for bad luck, he'd have no luck at all...

I recently switched projects at work, but I spent ten months on my last one getting to know a whole new group of people and a few come-and-go contractors. New people always mean new stories, and this is my favorite from the last ten months. One of the individuals in my group is a hunter and really wants to make his own duck hunting boat. Toward that end, he bought a huge pile of aluminum and set out to weld his own duck hunting boat as a "fun project".

Item one: welding aluminum requires lots of equipment and electricity. Just buying the aluminum is not enough, you must lay the wires to the work area and buy the expensive welding equipment.

Item two: welding alumnium is not easy. If you try to do it without any experience, you get warped aluminum.

Item three: not warping the aluminum requires a semester of welding class at the community college. This requires more money.

Item four: if you're working with the acid wipe, don't get it on your arms, it removes all your pigment.

Item five: just because you've been taking a welding class for a few weeks doesn't mean you're completely ready, if you're in a hurry you'll still warp more expensive aluminum.

Item six: don't weld your arm, it hurts and can leave a quarter inch deep, four by four inch hole, that requires repeated applications of nuskin.

Item seven: a boat without a truck capable of pulling it is pointless. Buy a big truck.

Item eight: when painting, don't leave one of the cans of puke-colored spray paint in the sun next to your brand new, less than a month old, truck that you bought for pulling the boat (see number seven). It will explode and it will bake into the paint, giving you a permanent "I've been driving in mud" look. This is not as cool as it sounds.

Item nine: don't drop hot metal on your eyes - it'll hurt, cost you a copayment, and a lecture from the doctor about how lucky you were not to hit the cornea, causing starburst glare and the possibility of eye surgery.

Item ten: certainly don't do all of this where your wife can see it - even if you wear the pants, you're basically proving you don't know how to zip them.

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