Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Mental Health

My mother called today and queried about my mental health.  She's a bit worried I'll be subject to some PTSD, worrying about whether I need to change everything I'm doing, panicking about my mortality, etc.

I'm 99% certain there's nothing to worry about.  I'm sweating so much while I'm asleep that I suspect I'm having nightmares about the accident I don't remember.  But they're not affecting me during the daytime. And most of the time I'm happy I'm alive and get to see my little girl grow older and do all the things I wanted to do with her and that I should have time to still do that.  Having a few things continue business-as-usual has helped.  I talk to visitors about work.  Check my email.  Work on the book I was working on right before the accident (writing that is).  Play Words with Friends.  Help Eryn with her homework.  That's good continuity.

But every once in a while something catches me that triggers the "that was almost it" reaction.  I was watching a movie today and the characters were hanging out in England and Paris, places I've always wanted to take my family.  Eryn's been interested in The Eye since I sent her a postcard from my trip to London with Bruce for work.  It was immediately obvious to me that was almost a never-happened.  Ditto with RAGBRAI with Adam when I sent them email to cancel and get a refund.  There are so many places I wanted to bike and I still don't know for sure how strongly I'll be able to bike them in the future (though you can be sure I'm doing my physical therapy and I'll work in any way the doctor tells me to to ensure the maximum usability of that leg possible for bicycling purposes).

When those moments happen, I recognize them for what they are, so I stay grounded.  And I'm a glass 95% full sort of guy, so immediately after it happens, I'm already looking forward to when I can do those things and that I'll be celebrating more of my daughter's birthdays and spending a longer life with my family.

Being a shut in in the basement for several weeks.  That's a bigger mental health issue - I'm glad it's the era of Xboxes, iPads, Netflix, Kindle, email, Wifi, and other technological marvels.  It makes it more bearable.

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