Monday, April 14, 2008

If Targeted Marketing Worked...

...then the only advertisements that would ever show up whenever I searched anything would related to a.) beer, b.) coffee, c.) Minnie Driver or my list of valid switch hitters, d.) bicycling, e.) corporate branded M&Ms. Seriously...Mean Mr. Mustard...I want to brand like a million M&Ms with the Unity logo and disperse them. That may be the stupidest thing I do if I win the lottery. People will be all pissed and say, "What an ass. He could have at least spent it on sending a kid to college." And I will - I just won't tell them about it so they'll have to be bitter while chewing their M&Ms branded with a dead project.

Instead, Google serves me up the following:
Menstrual Stem Cells: Discovered by Women for Women. The Time is Now. Preserve Today.

That's got no appeal. Even if I wanted to harvest stem cells from Minnie Driver. Even if she let me. Menstrual stem cells? Ish. It makes me feel like some sort of creepy serial killer ala Perfume just contemplating how this advertisement applies to me. And, now that I think about it, who would they be discovering menstrual stem cells for besides women? Husbands and/or significant others? Hey, Baby, I think I'm developing some shakes, some cerebral smoothing, maybe a few odd wrinkles. Do you mind if I have a few menstrual stem cells to clear those things up? After all, they're "easy to obtain from women", so here's a cup. If Russian women could manage with a few pine boughs and oil rags during WWII, I think you can buck up and use me instead. That's right, Prince Charles didn't want to be a tampon for sexual reasons, he was after the fountain of youth.

The upside I see to this is that George Bush has to face up to that by not approving stem cell lines from fetuses, he's perhaps tapped into something that might disgust him almost as much as un-baby cells. He's decided to wash the halls of Republican science in menstrual blood. Bravo.

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