A Nod to Nothing: Ben Franklin

Ming bought me a copy of Assassin's Creed III for my birthday. The goal is to be able to play something head to head that isn't Call of Duty. But both Eryn and I have been enjoying the single player game. However, as I'm old-er than her, I have much more patience, so I explore a lot of the details of the game that she doesn't take the time to find. My favorite at the beginning has been to revisit Ben Franklin at the General Store. Rather than chat about his missing almanac pages a second time, he gave me a lengthy sermon on the advantages of taking an older mistress. It's scientific! Because of gravity, water flows downward, and the nethers are the last to dry up. Meaning that while she might look a little dehydrated on top, down below she's as juicy as the next gal. You don't get that sort of advice in every game.

Yesterday, while I was getting coffee at Caribou, the trivia question was about Ben Franklin and the turkey, and I mentioned to the barrista...wait for it, I'm not going to proposition her, she was a younger woman, not an older woman...that I was playing a game with Ben Franklin in it. She said, "My kids are playing that game!" So I told her about the Ben Franklin lecture. Those poor kids, I probably cost them their game over Thanksgiving weekend. She looked very surprised.

I found the lecture on the web:

And here's the transcript, thanks to kotaku:

Because They have more knowledge of the world, and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
Because when women cease to be handsome they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.
Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.
Because through more experience they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be rather inclined to excuse an old woman, who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.
Because in every animal that walks upright the deficiency of the fluids that fill the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the neck; then the breast and arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: so that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to tell an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are grey, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior; every knack being, by practice, capable of improvement.
Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.
Because the compunction is less. The having mad a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflection; none of which an attend the making an old woman happy.
8th and lastly. they are so grateful!!

The also linked out to the real thing at San Juan College which I include only so you can enjoy the historical accuracy of the game:

Advice on Choosing a Mistress
from a private letter by Ben Franklin,
Philadelphia, June 25, 1745

My dear Friend:
I know of no medicine fit to diminish the violent natural inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper remedy. It is the most natural state of man, and therefore the state in which you are most likely to find solid happiness. Your reasons against entering into it at present appear to me not well founded. The circumstantial advantages you have in view by postponing it are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the thing itself, that being married and settled. It is the man and woman united that make the complete human being. Separate, she wants his force of body and strength of reason; he, her softness, sensibility, and acute discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the world. A single man has not nearly the value he would have in the state of union. He is an incomplete animal. He resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors. If you get a prudent, healthy wife, your industry in your profession, with her good economy, will be a fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take the counsel and persist in thinking of a commerce with the sex inevitable, then I repeat my former advice, that in all your amours you should prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox and demand my reasons. They are these:

Because They have more knowledge of the world, and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
Because when women cease to be handsome they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.
Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.
Because through more experience they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be rather inclined to excuse an old woman, who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.
Because in every animal that walks upright the deficiency of the fluids that fill the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the neck; then the breast and arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: so that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to tell an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are gray, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior; every knack being, by practice, capable of improvement.
Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.
Because the compunction is less. The having mad a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflection; none of which an attend the making an old woman happy.
8th and lastly. they are so grateful!!