Sunday, December 14, 2008

Surgery and Infection

So I've been out of action almost an entire week. I shall summarize it, in all it's gory, too-much-information, detail below. The evening after the pizza challenge I encountered a hemorrhoid problem. Not a get one and it goes away problem, but a 15 minutes of sleep overnight, I've run into something serious, sort of condition. I could blame poor eating habits, but it's probably more accurate to blame, in order, 1.) my father, who had surgery when he was 36 or so for hemorrhoids, 2.) bicycling (you can assume the pizza had quite a bit to do with it, but I doubt it - I suspect the 30 miles in the bike saddle that day was more of a culprit), 3.) my job environment (sitting in a cube or a chair all day. Given who I work for, can I call them hemorreuters?). So Monday morning I called my clinic and got a referral, then called the Fairview system to find someone who could get me in right away. I went in at 1:00 p.m., bent over for a doctor, and he said, "I'll see you in surgery tomorrow. Go get a pre-operative physical." F***. I walked through all the hoops, and the next day at 1:00 p.m. Fairview Southdale attempted six times to get a needle in me to knock me out. The anethetist was getting so frustrated that he demanded the Christmas music in the OR get turned off until he left.

Three hours later I was awake, and Pooteewheet told me the doctor said it had taken twice as long as he had thought it would as there was a crop of hemorrhoids. There's a word you really don't want to hear in conjunction with anything other than agricultural products and scrapbooking.

I went home on percoset and ibuprofen and did fine overnight on the couch (so Pooteewheet wouldn't accidentially kick me). But the next day I fell asleep at around 1:00 and woke up at 4:00 with a temperature of 102.7 (F). So it was off to the ER at Ridges. They moved me to the top of the line (a fever after ass surgery is serious business) stuck several more needles in me, took blood cultures, and several hours later announced I wasn't going anywhere other than to room 200 in the hospital for an overnight stay. Which turned into two overnights. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday until 7:00 p.m. I sat around trying to find some way to keep busy. The next morning the temp had cycled down to 101.3 or so. The morning after that to 99.6. They pumped several ivs of liquids and antibiotics into me, and then finally sent me home with two additional oral antibiotics to make sure everything was gone.

Some highlights:
  • They still don't know what it is I caught. Feces in the blood stream? General infection picked up during the surgery? Coincidental cold?
  • Having the doc examine your bum while it has stitches in it is BAD.
  • Going to the bathroom while your bum has stitches in it is BAD.
  • Morphine is worthless (as far as I'm concerned) for general ass pain. Percoset is much better.
  • Having access to Facebook can relieve 15-30 minutes of boredeom, but not much more.
  • Why doesn't the guy on survivorman ever find anything to eat? He mostly seems to survive by starving for 6 days until he's picked up.
  • The oral antibiotics preclude drinking alcohol, so I spilled them all out on the counter to make sure I was going to be able to have a few beers on New Year's.
  • I've been told I can get back on my bike two weeks after the surgery. I'm not sure I believe that - I'm guessing three. Pooteewheet thinks I'm crazy.
Now I'm home. And not feeling 100%, but I did make it to the office Christmas party yesterday for an hour just to see something that wasn't the inside of a small room. Kyle came over to visit and brought a game to play (I can sit on our new puffy couch - it was almost like my butt could see the future when we decided to buy it) and some food to eat, which was exceptionally nice of him.

The other doc told me I can expect to start feeling better somewhere 7-10 days out, somewhere between this Tuesday and Friday, and I'm supposed to do two follow up appointments this week to make sure my blood looks good. I'm going back to work tomorrow and have a full load of meetings - e.g. a full load of sitting in uncomfortable office chairs - so we'll see how that works out. I told Ming I'll probably be 10 minutes late shuffling my way from meeting to meeting.


Anonymous said...

It's hard to know what to write without sounding punny. You know: That's a BUMmer. We feel your pain..just not quite the same way you do, I'm sure. We're hoping you're well on the way to a fast recovery. I've been the victim of: Upper respiratory infection, the 24 hour flu on top of that and in the past few days: a nasty head cold. Stitches in the butt are sounding pretty good right about now. Hope to see you back up and biking soon!

LissyJo said...

Yeah--What a pain in the butt. I hope you'll be back in the saddle soon. How many sutures? A butt-load (your joke)!

You made no mention of seeing my bike art in the hallway at my clinic getting ready to hang--although it was right next to the breastfeeding art, so maybe you were too embarrassed. Or maybe you're getting ready to complain to the clinic mgr.

Anonymous said...

Just hold on there - there was no reason for him to complain to the clinic manager...other than about the offensive boob art. I have no control over Southdale's inability to stick him. If he had gotten the FEMALE anesthesiologist that I had for my c-section, it probably would have gone much smoother.
Now for the reason I commented - didn't they offer you a "donut" to sit on at work? Allison could probably hook you up....

Anonymous said...

It was the Pizza! I also have problems when they try to give me drugs to put me out, local pain medication, also blood pressure goes out of sight due to anxiety. Then have to take masive amounts of medication to calm me down. It is all your mothers gens.

MeanMrMustard said...

You need to get one of these, just so I can make "Donuts in Scott's cube" jokes on treat day.

Anonymous said...

You usually post good pictures on your blog entries, why stopped at this one?

Hope you feel better soon.


Anonymous said...

Hope you feel better soon Sir.
You've changed my thoughts on what I'm thankful for this holiday season..

Mac Noland said...

Glad you're feeling better. And can I call them hemorreuters? - Yes you can.