Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Ming's a Nipple Nazi

Ming hates it when you say nipple in the company cafeteria. Which sort of surprises me, because it's not really a bad word. I think he's worried that people might think we're talking about their nipples, or the nipples of the person sitting next to them. And we might be. But it could just as easily be my nipple we're talking about, or his nipple – in which case it’s not really obscene by GOP standards, male nipples being exposed on beaches and in cars driven by teenagers and skinny-white country folk, unless we're talking about piercing them, or sucking on them (especially each other's), or perhaps pinching them. And that's certainly a possible topic of conversation. After all, Dan and I once had a nipple-pinching fight in the middle of a yard in a first tier suburb (Richfield if you must know. That's probably important if my boss reads my blog, as she'll appreciate that I'm no longer part of the community, unless I'm pinching the nipples of some renter, and that will get me arrested. Then nipple talk once again becomes appropriate in the cafeteria). He was pissed about losing at boccee for the third shut out in a row, and he snapped. My excuse was that when faced with pinchers of nipple destruction (PNDs), one must retaliate. If only I had pinched his nipples first, like George W. Bush would have, I might have walked away a little less sore and a little wiser. But the moral of the story is, no one called the cops even though I was yelling, "Quit pinching my nipples you fucker!" so even in that context, male nipples aren't taboo and really should be allowable cafeteria discussion.

What really go to me is that he shushed me. I haven’t been shushed since my fifth grade teacher shushed me for the using the word vagina too many times in a five minute span. If you're a fifth grader who used a search engine to get to my blog for guidance, three is where she drew the line. Depending on your teacher, maybe less, probably not more, unless it's the appropriate reproductive health class unit.

Nipple-shushing rudeness aside, how do people in the cafeteria know I’m not talking about cows? Or pigs? There still have to be 7-10% of Minnesotans who grew up on farms, or near farms - the Minnesota Fact Sheet says it's more like 1 in 100, who knew, but that's still at least 2 or 3 people in the cafeteria - at least those people will think I’m talking about husbandry. At least they would, until Ming shushed me, then it’s obvious something else is going on and I'm likely referencing the blow-up nozzle for dirty pillow. If he wants to engage in misdirection, he’d be better off just laughing and saying loudly, “Yeah…I know what you mean. I had to apply udder cream to stop the chaffing.” Then it’s obvious were talking about milking. Cows.

1 comment:

Kyle said...

If were talking about cows and pigs, and if you grew up on a farm (which I know you did on at least a summer basis), you would be talking about udders and teats respectively.

If some farm person walked by when you were talking to Ming about the huge cow nipples you saw at the Fair for example, they would chuckle softly to themselves (being the stoic farm type, no doubt) and silently mock the suburban poser who's trying to sound rural.

Then again they might just mock you openly and conclude by pointing out "You just got served!!" in a vain attempt to sound more urban....

If Ming gets flustered over the word nipple, I think you should just start using teat and or teats more often in your conversations with him :)