Thursday, June 08, 2006

Lynchian

Mean Mr. Mustard (should I even link to him anymore? As TallBrad said, Emma's been sick for two weeks if you go by his blog. Then again, Cookie Queen hasn't updated hers in two months, and it's the only place I ever saw pictures of P'mon) made a joke today about being in a David Lynch-like situation. Apparently it happens more often than you think...I offer a scene, the Cub Foods parking lot - Scooter is going to get some milk for Eryn after his haircut so she can make really really chocolatey milk.

One expensive car driving in front of him in the lot at approximately 3 miles an hour, swerving as if drunk, driving over parking spots (empty), a little onto the mall sidewalk, and in and out of other spots, but always sort of in the way, or at least erratic enough to be dangerous. Eventually Scooter parks at the first available spot and walks a little further than necessary just to not be near that car. Inside, seriously hot brunette, way too hot for Cub Foods, looking at cookies. Head to the milk. Decide Pooteewheet forgot to buy Eryn the soda she promised her. Turn the corner, hot brunette again, but on the other side of the store, no cookies, ice cream. Holding a small container of Ben and Jerry's like she's in a production of Hamlet. Sexy. Shakespearian babes are seriously arousing when they're not men in drag. Dig through the soda, go around the corner and toward the front of the store. Hot cookies/ice cream babe has moved all the way to another corner of the store again, she's in front of the bakery pondering the pastries. She's got to be pregnant or on a diet.

Get in x items or less line. Guy ahead of me is standing there without any grocceries looking at the cashier but not saying anything. That's weird. He finally turns away from the bagging/cashier area, forcefully grabs a Almond Joy, and pays for it in cash. All right then. I buy my milk and soda and a Hershey's Bar, just to show the cashier that not all candy bar eaters are crazy. Head to the parking lot.

There's the expensive car again and there's an Asian lady walking around it, and around it, and around it...probably a full three loops while I'm standing there. She seems to be the driver. She's not looking at the wheels or really for anything, she's just walking in loops. At the same time, the shortest Asian guy I've ever seen - I think he would qualify as little people - is putting grocceries in the back of the car. I saw hot brunette in the store everywhere, yet I never saw this guy once and he's got about ten bags he's lifting up almost over his head and into the trunk. Driver lady keeps going in circles. I get past them and closer to my car - remember, it's further away because of expensive car driver lady. Near my car is a guy, in the parking lot, doing toe touches. A bunch of them. WTF. I make a wide loop to stay as far away from him as possible and get in my car. I drive out of the lot as far from toe-toucher and driver lady as possible. Hot brunette exits Cub - she's got what looks like milk.

Half a block later, there's a kid riding in one of those battery-powered kid's cars on the side of the road, in the dark. Overhead there's a buzzing noise and in the twilight I can just barely see a radio controlled glider fly over my car at a low altitude.

I'm going to go hide in the closet and hope Dennis Hopper doesn't show up.

2 comments:

Kyle said...

If you wanted to get milk for Eryn to make really really chocolatey chocolate milk, you should've gotten her chocolate milk & let her add Hershey's Syrup or whatever chocolatey adjunct she would normally add to make milk chocolatey. Now that would be really really chocolatey milk!

By the way, maybe the seriously hot brunette was just picking up milk so her child could make really really chocolatey milk when she got home...

Sarah said...

Funniest thing I have read all day! (yes, I know I am behind, but I was out of town)