Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Last night I biked up to the Trylon to meet Kyle for the Trash Film Debauchery movie Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life.  Unbeknownst to us, it was part of their Lifetime or After School Special series - something to that effect.  Despite watching a Lifetime movie for two hours, it was a good time and a great choice on TFD's part.  It stood on it's own without snarky commentary.  Basic story: swimmer is in a relationship with a good Christian girl who won't put out until it's something special, swimmer meets other high school students one who runs a webcam, swimmer gets obsessed and follows her cam, watches porn at friends' houses and on his girlfriend's PDA (oh yeah, PDA), with his mom's credit card, gets his little brother and brother's friend in trouble for porn (Vigin Vaginas, the bootleg CD!)...it's a spiral of porn!  So he goes rock bottom.  Loses his girlfriend, gets set up for beating up the webcam girl and gets beat up himself, gets suspended, his swimming performance and school performance tank, and he ends up face down bleeding in the unattended school pool before having a slow motion epiphany.

Layer on top of it a religious discussion (Green Day vs some Christian band and lots of discussion about going to church which culminates with the statement "I need to get radical!" which I would have never guessed anyone would have applied to church-going, ever),  a mini-morality aside about the impact of porn on a marriage, and a peer-pressure plot that focuses on how the porn spiral will quickly take you outside the realms of what jocks approve of, and there you go.

All of it much better in a theater with a crowd over popcorn and soda (and a pre-show cold press coffee to wash away the dust off Minnehaha road construction).

The worst part was that we were promised "I Married a Princess" would be next in the captions, yet it never came.

Kyle pointed me at this link I can't get to within my current firewall, but something awful is always amusing, so I'm looking forward to reading their take on it (and I'm sure it includes some fun outtakes): http://www.somethingawful.com/movie-reviews/cyber-seduction-his/1/

100 Best B Movies

It's hard to say if the blogger is correct about the top 100 best B movies without having seen many of them.  I applaud the inclusion of Deathbed, but I'm pretty sure Hausu, Ice Cream Man, Evilspeak, and Plankton all belong on the list as well.  I have no doubt they'd make a solid showing.  Definitely ahead of Future War at 53, which I found difficult to watch even with bots.

Clint Howard

Kyle and I have caught two Clint Howard movies at The Trylon, courtesy of Trash Film Debauchery.  The first was Ice Cream Man (1995).  And tonight we saw Evilspeak (1981).

Ice Cream Man was definitely more amusing with its plot about a killer ice cream man who blends people into his butter brickle ice cream after escaping the lunatic asylum (the lunatics are literally running the asylum).  Evilspeak was like a really bad adaptation of Carrie (1976), except Carrie is a goofy looking Clint Howard.  The high school is a military school.  Clint gains his powers from Satan and a Satanic priest, Esteban, not from natural abilities.  And the incident that sets him off is his dog being sacrificed and getting puppy blood all over his hands, not getting pig blood dumped on his head.  Although there were plenty of pigs in the movie eating everyone.  Evil pigs.  There was more eviloink then there was evilspeak.

It was pretty brutal as far as Debauchery movies go.  I could have sworn it was about 3 hours long, the killing scene went on so long.  And it's much more difficult to feel sympathy for Clint Howard than it is for Sissy Spacek.

I'm not even sure what the point of the computer was, despite that it played a large part.  Supposedly to translate the Latin from the evil book.  But as the computer answered questions without any real context, I"m not sure the book was necessary.  Clint flew around like this after he got his powers, splitting the heads of everyone for an interminable amount of time.  But the flying with the sword was actually a welcome relief from a.) the short scene where the commandant spanks Clint for not performing and the secretary gives a smug smile from her desk, and b.) the longer scene where women are vying to be Miss Heavy Artillery while the cadets hoot and the soccer coach talks about how hot they are at sixteen and seventeen.  That's right.  The puppy sacrifice and Jake the academy chef who cooks shirtless weren't the most disturbing bits.