Pelvis

When I was at the Scott^2 birthday lunch at Chipotle yesterday, the Boss and I sharing the same birthday month and year, we all got to talking about the recent physicals at work where they offered $200 in an account if you showed up for a checkup.   Someone, I think it was Christy, says she knows people who won't take it because it could potentially be misused by the company.  I agree they could, but I think it'll just spur innovation to mask results.  Action/reaction.  If a company goes down that path, they're just going to end up sinking all sorts of money into a bottomless problem.  At least without  far more politicians in their pockets than they currently have so the laws are appropriately rewritten to avoid discrimination lawsuits at every turn.

Anyway, they checked your cholesterol, blood pressure, and BMI.  According to my BMI, I'm still heavy.  So we talked about body shapes for a while and how inaccurate the BMI is and I pointed out that I'm truly big boned.  I know I am because when they try to take my hip x-rays at the hospital for the fracture, it takes a few tries to get me centered because my pelvis doesn't quite fit in the x-ray "square".

Christy found this disturbing and TMI for some reason.  Which confuses me a bit, because what's sexy about a skeleton?  That's like saying it's dirty if Brad talks about his extra vertebrae, or someone talks about their spinal curvature - left to right, not the usual s-shape.  That's not sexy.  That's medical.  And not even gross medical.  You can find bones in any field in Minnesota.  Cow.  Not human usually unless you're around a firepit up north.  And most high school students have one class with a skeleton hanging in a corner.  It's not dirty.  It's not disturbing.  It's not sexy.  It's just bones.  Take the bones out of someone, clean them off, and they're not weird.  I venture I wouldn't even find it weird if they were from someone I knew.  Unless I expected that person to still be alive.  Blood and sinew and brain matter.  Ish.  Clean bones.  Eh.  I find them more interesting than anything else, ala Bones the detective show.

That said, my wife and I recently rewatched (re for me) an episode of the Sarah Silverman Show where she goes on Cookie Party and the Mustangs have stolen her mother's tombstone and had sex with her skeleton.  You can catch it at about 1:45.  Now the Mustangs...they might ask me not to talk about bones just so they're not aroused.

The Sarah Silverman Program
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Because there can never be TMI

Looks pretty innocuous until you really pay attention.  Then you realize that brightness, contrast, and hue aren't really all that important when you looking at a cutaway diagram of the inside of my ass.  You might think, "Scooter, this is way too private."  But there were three individuals of two nationalities and three ethnic backgrounds in the room during the scan, and two others during the pre-scan check, so no matter how many people check out this picture, it's not nearly as personal as the five individuals who took a close up, in the flesh, look.

And this is a personal bit of vengeance for a certain someone who told others about the mugs they discovered out here, ruining my game of "match the mug to the recipient."  Look for mugs.  Find anal x-rays. That's just the nature of the blog.  You don't get just half the story.

I found this fairly interesting.  This one is the one where you can't really see the problem.  This is pretty much what everyone's looks likes when it's vaguely healthy.  Nothing surprising.  No parasites.  Nothing stuck up there.  It looks good.

And this is after they take a needle to me and inject hydrogen peroxide.  See where the little crosshairs are, lower right, if you compare photos, you'll see a solid white area which is where the fistula occurred (thanks Regions) and where they cut into it yesterday.  Pretty harmless looking for such a pain in the ass.

I wonder whether Mean Mr. Mustard will go to the trouble of photoshopping anything.  I figure he'll be torn. No doubt, it's tempting.  But on the other hand, he'll have to be looking at my innards the whole time.  Maybe he can crack jokes while he works.  "Did I make something so funny he broke his butt?  Of course I did, it's got a crack!  It was so funny it rectum!"  Hopefully that sets a good baseline so the only direction things can go is up.  Doh!

X-rated Friends (TMI Warning)

I'm rather embarrassed I ever watched episodes of Friends.  It's just not that good.  But if you did, do you remember the episode where Ross had something strange on his ass?  So this was my experience today at the Colon and Rectal doctor, who I last visited in 2008 (so if you're a regular reader, this isn't exactly TMI compared to previous posts)...

Doc: Why are you here?

Me: Hemorrhoids again.

Doc: That's unlikely.

Me: Really?  Even after if an accident screwed things up. Or too I got too many laxatives in the hospital?

Doc: Let's have a look...

Doc: You don't have hemorrhoids.  Who told you you have hemorrhoids?

Me:  Felt like last time. I thought it must be hemorrhoids.

Doc: It wasn't your family doctor?  You self-diagnosed?

Me: Well. yes.  It felt like last time, my doc said I could cut him out as the middle man.

Doc: You don't have hemorrhoids.  

...

Doc: Wait...what's this??

On a positive note, he said shortly afterward, that as far as this particular ass problem goes, if he had to have it, he'd prefer to have my instance as I can go in on a Saturday for two hours and be back at work on a Monday morning, uncomfortable, but functional.  So now I have to go get an ultrasound, followed by a two hour  "procedure".  Procedure clearly doesn't deserve quotes, but as it requires being put under and a knife and/or laser, it's obviously the politically correct way of saying surgery.

Now I'm going to go ride my bike.  I'll regale you with more tale and less mystery later.  I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise for my wife, who's enjoying Iceland.  Guess Scooter's Butt Issue is probably a gambling pool all of Reykjavik can wager on.