Monday, February 17, 2014


Someone left a pamphlet about the rapture (and 666 and Visa's tracking using 666, which I feel is woefully out of date given the recent Target problems.  That current event seems ripe for Satanic correlation) on the corporate elevator. Not rapture ON the corporate elevator. But they left the pamphlet on the elevator. I don’t think the rapture will be limited to one back elevator near my office.  That seems awfully specific and limiting.  Then again, my wife and I saw Devil in the theater, so if Satan can specifically target elevators, maybe God does as well.

Anyway, the pamphlet urges me not to be left behind when my relatives head up to see the guy in the sky, but then it goes on to say only 4,000,000 humans will actually ascend. Given a population of roughly 6 billion, and not accounting for what this implies about the wrongness of those other religions, that means there’s only a 1 in 1500 chance anyone is going to make it to the pearly gates. So only like ¼ of a person out of all the people I really know - if you use my Facebook acquaintance list as a measure - are headed up. 

It seems like if I want to play the odds, I should busy myself doing all the things that make me happy, not rapture-specific activities, because it’s likely my friends and family will just be staying here with me anyway. The pamphlet does say I can increase my odds by dying a martyr and that one of the traditional ways to do this is to get my head chopped off.  This meshes nicely with the advice to get started preparing right away.  But in that case, the case where I chop off my own head to increase my odds by a few points, I think it would help if the others I care about were to do it first so I’m not left ahead, instead of left behind (that is punny on so many levels).

So friends and family, do you have any desire to chop off your head in his name and then let me know how it goes?  I think it would significant help in my pre-rapture planning.  And no stealing “Left Ahead” – I think I can make a parody using that title.

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