X-rated Friends (TMI Warning)

I'm rather embarrassed I ever watched episodes of Friends.  It's just not that good.  But if you did, do you remember the episode where Ross had something strange on his ass?  So this was my experience today at the Colon and Rectal doctor, who I last visited in 2008 (so if you're a regular reader, this isn't exactly TMI compared to previous posts)...

Doc: Why are you here?

Me: Hemorrhoids again.

Doc: That's unlikely.

Me: Really?  Even after if an accident screwed things up. Or too I got too many laxatives in the hospital?

Doc: Let's have a look...

Doc: You don't have hemorrhoids.  Who told you you have hemorrhoids?

Me:  Felt like last time. I thought it must be hemorrhoids.

Doc: It wasn't your family doctor?  You self-diagnosed?

Me: Well. yes.  It felt like last time, my doc said I could cut him out as the middle man.

Doc: You don't have hemorrhoids.  

...

Doc: Wait...what's this??

On a positive note, he said shortly afterward, that as far as this particular ass problem goes, if he had to have it, he'd prefer to have my instance as I can go in on a Saturday for two hours and be back at work on a Monday morning, uncomfortable, but functional.  So now I have to go get an ultrasound, followed by a two hour  "procedure".  Procedure clearly doesn't deserve quotes, but as it requires being put under and a knife and/or laser, it's obviously the politically correct way of saying surgery.

Now I'm going to go ride my bike.  I'll regale you with more tale and less mystery later.  I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise for my wife, who's enjoying Iceland.  Guess Scooter's Butt Issue is probably a gambling pool all of Reykjavik can wager on.