Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The Wisdom of Scooter

If you chop the heads off Jesus, the Virgin Mary and Joseph, it will cost you $4.68 to mail them, Godfather style. This is really expensive compared to first class mail, like if you were to mail retro drug company swag in a ziploc baggy box. If I had to do it again, I'd take a grinder to everyone's brain first, shearing off the back 1/3-2/3 of each head, that way they'd fit in the reduced price slot at the company post office. Remember, Jesus helps those who help themselves.

If you carry a dozen donuts and three baby books through the halls at work, you're likely to be a bit paranoid that people think you're celebrating another child. When I say "people", I mean everyone except the guy who can't figure out that the donut with the tan frosting is maple. He's got other problems.

When confronted with a flat head screwdriver and a rolling brat, do not try to "control" the brat with the screwdriver. This doesn't work. Rather, you should just stab it and hope that your screwdriver is long enough to protect you from grease and injected cheese. Trying to stop it from rolling off the grill but haphazardly poking at it is a fool's errand and likely to end in tragedy.

6 comments:

Kyle said...

Why don't you just cut the heads off of paper versions of Jesus, the Virgin Mary and Joseph? Then you would be way within the .25" thickness shape-based mailing requirements the USPS has set up. You could even include a wide variety of other dismembered biblical characters and still qualify for First Class postage rates. More bang for your buck, eh....

Kyle said...

By the way, I call dibs on getting you a pair of BBQ tongs for your birthday. I think they might work slightly better than a flathead screwdriver....

cookiequeen said...

Good lord man - how many beers did you have tonight? None of that post made sense to me at all! Other than reinforcing my belief that jesus-on-a-stick (made out of chocolate of course - your choice of white or dark) would be a huge seller at the State Fair.

Anonymous said...

Where did this come from! Must be something stronger than Beer. Or the Beer sat to long and fermented into everclear (but then your brother used the everclear in his science experiments). Some days I wonder what went wrong in your childhood, or did your parents cause you to loose it all of a sudden.

MeanMrMustard said...

I must still be a Californian, not a midwesterner -- when I read "rolling brat," my first thought was of you stabbing a child with a screwdriver.

Kyle said...

The whole post makes perfect sense if you prepared and/or received any of the peculiar mailings we all shipped back and forth in college. For example, we once sent an envelope full of small multicolored clams to Chris Sells during our Florida trip. And then there was the jar full of fermented Ramen noodles/Korean "sushi" rolls we sent to Ben.

I once received an MRE from Washington DC, and a van load of Mormon girls (well three anyway) on another occasion.

I'm just curious who's getting the package with the dismembered nativity scene. Was it the same individual who received the drug company swag?